The Scene: Isla Nublar, Costa Rica. In particular, Jurassic Park — a specialized theme resort created by John Hammond and the good folks at InGen.
The Participants: A bunch of awesome dinosaurs, some weak and pitiful humans, and a couple of lame farm animals.
The Question: Which dinosaur is truly the most effective bloodthirsty killing machine?
The Methodology: Each encounter (defined as “an edible foe being easily within reach”) will be scored as either a “KILL” or a “MISS” by our panel of judges. Final scores for each prehistoric creature will be tabulated in a manner similar to a batting average in baseball, with additional adjudicator commentary as required.
What the velociraptor lacks in size, it more than makes up for in speed, agility, and brains. Oh, and that razor sharp claw on the middle toe is a pretty decent weapon, too.
If Dr. Grant is to be believed, the raptor should be considered the deadliest creature in Jurassic Park. But is this truly the case? How does the velociraptor really fare when it’s put to the test?
- KILL — Construction worker loading the raptor into the holding pen. A very good start to the season. 1 for 1.
- MISS — Sure, Muldoon says that they are lethal at eight months, but the baby velociraptor missed a huge opportunity by not lunging for Grant’s jugular or, at the very least, nibbling on his thumb. We’re gonna have to dock marks for the blatant lack of effort and awareness. 1 for 2.
- KILL — The sacrificial cow. Sure, it’s an easy target, but a kill is a kill. 2 for 3.
- KILL — Arnold in the utility shed. Nice touch in leaving the arm for others to discover. Intimidation tactics at their best. 3 for 4.
- KILL — Muldoon. As the saying goes, it’s not the raptor you see, but the one from the side that you never even knew was there. 4 for 5.
- MISS — Sattler in the utility shed. Raptor’s decision to not pursue Sattler could cost the side dearly. 4 for 6.
- 2x MISS — Tim and Lex in the kitchen. What can we say, this was a total team meltdown. Pure clusterfuck. At one point, a raptor walks right beside Tim in order to chase after Lex’s reflection. The other raptor must have an inner ear problem, as he can’t even pounce on Tim as he’s heading straight for a dead end into the freezer. Stupid overgrown turkeys. 4 for 8.
- MISS — Lex dangling her leg from the ductwork. Come on, the book clearly established that you guys can jump much higher than that. Somebody’s been slacking off in practice. 4 for 9.
- MISS — The entire gaggle of protagonists hanging for dear life from the dinosaur skeleton. So where do you jump? Not on top of any of the people, because that would be too easy, right? 4 for 10.
- MISS — Grant standing defenceless in a wide open space beside the wreckage of the skeleton. Come on, you’re like a foot away from him! Don’t just hiss at him, you idiot! Eviscerate him! 4 for 11.
FINAL TALLY: 4 for 11 (0.363 killing average).
Such great potential, but in the end, the raptor couldn’t quite cut the mustard when it mattered the most. Indeed, the velociraptor’s success in this contest closely resembles that of the Ottawa Senators (pick any year, really) — starts off strong, builds momentum, but ultimately craps the bed by the time the playoffs come around. Better luck next time.
When you think of Jurassic Park, you probably think of the mighty tyrannosaurus. It’s hulking size, powerful jaws, and massive teeth (as large as railroad spikes) make it an impressive challenger in this competition.
However, the T-Rex has several known weaknesses, including a lack of endurance and its mobility-based vision — if you don’t move, it can’t see you. Will the competition be able to exploit these weaknesses? Or will the tyrannosaurus power his way to victory?
- KILL — The goat. Much like the cow, it’s a bit of a dick move, but when it’s all said and done a kill is a kill. 1 for 1.
- MISS — Lex and Tim trapped in the car. Come on, they’re kids. Easy targets, right? Guess not. 1 for 2.
- 1/2 KILL — Malcolm as he runs like a little bitch. Since the T-Rex critically injures Malcolm, but doesn’t kill him, the judges will award a half-point here. 1.5 for 3.
- KILL — Gennaro in the bathroom. Eating the lawyer clearly proves they’re really not all bad. 2.5 for 4.
- MISS — Lex and Grant beside the car. Okay, we can understand not killing them when they’re not moving, as the T-Rex is pretty much blind in this situation. But what about when they’re moving around the car and climbing over the concrete barricade? Seems like the Rex would rather nudge the car a few times instead of eating the delicious people, making us question his work ethic and commitment. 2.5 for 5.
- 1/2 KILL — The car itself. Yeah, it’s not a person, so it can’t really die, but the tyrannosaurus sure did a number on that poor Land Rover. There’s no way it can be revived — it’s on a one-way ticket to the scrapyard. That’s good enough for a half-point in our eyes. 3 for 6.
- MISS — The car chase versus Muldoon, Sattler, and Malcolm. Again, instead of headbutting the car, why don’t you try attacking the delicious people inside the Jeep? Did we mention that there was no roof on the vehicle, providing super easy access to the tasty morsels inside? Come on, the brass ring was hanging there, man — reach out and take it! 3 for 7.
- KILL — Gallimimus. Look at all that blood. 4 for 8.
- 2x KILL — The velociraptors in the Visitors Center. The only question is, how the fuck did the T-Rex get in the building without anybody noticing? Not enough glasses of water within viewing distance? 6 for 10.
FINAL TALLY: 6 for 10 (0.600 killing average).
Not too shabby. Baseball players would kill for an average this high. Unfortunately, there will forever be an asterisk beside the Rex’s name in the record books, as it must be stated that he only killed a lawyer, a car, a goat, and a few other dinosaurs. As far as murderous rampages go, it’s not the greatest of all time.
The dark horse of the predatory dinosaurs, the dilophosaurus is a reclusive creature that few people actually see live in person. As a result, it doesn’t get a lot of respect — much like those professional sports teams based on the west coast.
Those who are knowledgeable about the dilophosaurus know that it has a plethora of weapons at its disposable — including the ability to split blinding venom at its prey. Will this technique help it reach the top of the mountain?
- KILL — Nedry. The fat bastard was asking for it, really. The description of Nedry’s death is a lot cooler in the book, by the way. 1 for 1.
FINAL TALLY: 1 for 1 (1.000 killing average).
This score is pretty much unbeatable — the spitter is 100% pure killing machine. Unfortunately, the low sample size disqualifies the dilophosaurus from taking claim to the title in much the same way that an NHL goaltender must play at least 25 games to be eligible for the Jennings Trophy, regardless of whether he has the best goals against average in the few games he’s played.
Yeah, it’s a veggiesaurus, which means it’s clearly not a perennial favourite in this type of competition. However, that doesn’t mean the triceratops won’t get its fair share of opportunities to put some suckas to sleep.
With a solid defensive structure, a surprisingly sharp beak, and ferocious triple pronged assault capabilities, the triceratops is one tough dinosaur and not to be taken lightly.
- MISS — Sattler. Come on, her hand was right there! In your mouth! Chomp down and break a finger or something! Vomit on her if you have to, but just don’t lie there like a chump! And don’t give me this “b-b-but I was sick and tranquilized” bullshit, either. You’re a goddamn dinosaur. Do your fucking job. 0 for 1.
FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
Pathetic. You had one chance to make an impression and you blew it. Big time. Back to the minor leagues for you, buddy. Maybe next year you’ll actually put some more effort into your cardio so you’re not as wheezy and gassed out there on the big stage. People were laughing at you, man.
A surprise entrant into this year’s contest, the gallimimus is looking to make sure that everybody can remember its name from here on out.
Meaning “ostrich mimic”, the gallimimus will definitely not overpower any of its adversaries. Instead, it will rely on its blazing speed and remarkable agility to wear down the opposition and try to eke out a decision victory.
- MISS — Grant and the kids in the field. Okay, fine, so your attention was primarily focused on the T-Rex that was chasing you. That’s understandable. But you clearly saw Grant running in front of you, and you just honked at him as you ran by! It’s a stampede situation, for Christ’s sake! Kill or be killed! Run over that poor schmuck and save your own skin. 0 for 1.
FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
Really pathetic. At least the triceratops had an excuse for its poor showing. What’s yours? Pulled a hammy? The judges were not impressed by your performance in the slightest. Show improvement in the off-season and we’ll consider letting you back into the tournament next year.
Last, but certainly not least [*Judges Note: Yeah, right … we’ll see about that.*], the Brachiosaurus is yet another surprise entrant into the competition due to its tremendously docile nature.
Don’t let that retarded look on its face fool you, though. The brachiosaurus is the largest competitor in the field, tipping the scales at 37 tonnes and able to raise its head a remarkable 13 metres above the ground. It’s definitely one dinosaur you can’t push around.
- MISS — Grant, Sattler, and Hammond when they first arrive at Jurassic Park. You’re just steps away from the puny humans. You rear up on your hind legs. And then you don’t squash them like the bugs they are? What’s wrong with this picture? You could have at least whipped your tail around and broke a few spines. Come on. 0 for 1.
- MISS — Grant in the tree. Grant’s holding a branch of leaves, which is conveniently placed in your mouth. Just give it a tug and watch him plummet to his death. It’s really not that difficult, you know. 0 for 2.
FINAL TALLY: 0 for 2 (0.000 killing average).
Super pathetic. You’re a failure and disgrace to your kind. Scientists brought you back to life 65 millions years after your extinction, and you repay the paying public with this level of epic ineptitude? For fuck’s sake, man, you’re amateur. We’re done, professionally.
The results are in! The winner, and still heavyweight champion of Jurassic Park …
Now, I’m sure the velociraptor die-hards will be upset with this decision, given the quality of raptor kills compared to the quality of T-Rex kills. But as it is in baseball, it doesn’t matter if you hit them all out of the stadium while the other guy in the home run race barely managed to clear the outfield wall — they both count equally as a single home run. And in this case, the T-Rex has more home runs.
Congratulations, tyrannosaurus! May your awesome reign as champion be remembered gloriously throughout the annals of history!