Are you feeling down in the dumps? Fed up with your lot in life? Want to punch the entire world in the balls just to show it how angry and frustrated you are? Then come on down to THE BREAK ROOM — the country’s only Destruction Therapy Centre!
Whether your girlfriend just dumped you, your pet hamster died, or you simply need to let loose all of the pent-up rage from a shitty day at the office, thanks to our revolutionary new techniques you’ll feel better in no time flat — or your money back!
What is Destruction Therapy?
You ever see the movie Citizen Kane? Remember that scene where Kane completely loses it after his wife leaves him and he starts smashing everything in her room? What? You don’t remember it, and in fact, you’ve never even seen the movie? That’s okay, we’re not all film snobs. Besides, it’s a long movie, it’s entirely in black and white … who could watch something that old, anyway?
Well, how about Office Space? In addition to the witty banter about staplers and TPS reports, you probably fondly recall the scene where the guys bust up the printer with a baseball bat. That scene grabbed us because, let’s face it, we’ve all been there before — so fed up that we wanted nothing more than to take a blunt object and reduce the things we hate to a pile of smoldering rubble.
And that’s the very essence of Destruction Therapy. Instead of bottling up all of your rage and frustration (which will fester inside you until the day you snap and shoot up a middle school), Destruction Therapy encourages you to just let it all out through the sweet, cathartic release of controlled mayhem and devastation!
At THE BREAK ROOM, we offer several different Destruction Therapy options to choose from, all of which can be completely custom-designed to meet your needs.
So, how does it work? It’s simple.
Step One: Choose Your Room
First, you need something to destroy. We offer our clients a variety of preset combinations to choose from, including favourites such as:
- The Girl’s Room: Complete with an assortment frilly pillows, vanity mirrors, stuffed animals, and porcelain dolls for you to annihilate, it’s the perfect choice for all of the bitter, jaded, and heartbroken guys out there.
- The Boy’s Room: If you’re a bitter, jaded, and heartbroken woman, then you’ll relish the opportunity to “stick it to the man” by demolishing this room, which can be customized with a variety of sports trophies, video game systems, automobile paraphernalia, and Dungeons & Dragons manuals.
- The Office: Hate your job? Then you’ll love tearing apart this room, which is packed with computers, printers, copiers, cubicle walls, mini-fridges, and ancient microwaves. Mac and PC configurations are available.
Of course, you can also make your own Custom Room from scratch — just let us know the types of items you want to smash and we’ll order them in, just for you. Want to ravage a replica lawyer’s office or dentist’s chair? Your favourite sports team eliminated from the playoffs and you’d like to mutilate anything with your rival’s logo on it? Having cell phone troubles and want to take it out on RIM’s entire line-up? If you can dream it, we can build it … and then we’ll let you savagely destroy it.
Step Two: Choose Your Weapons
Second, you need to choose your weapons. Our team of certified Destruction Therapists carries a fully-stocked arsenal of high-impact tools, including sporting equipment and martial arts weaponry from across the globe. Whether you like the manly heftiness of a sledgehammer, the range of a hockey stick, the precision of a katana, or the personal touch of steel-toed boots, we have what you need to make short work of the room of you chose in Step One.
For the safety of our staff and clients, THE BREAK ROOM uses blunt and bladed objects only — no guns, explosions, or flammable weapons are permitted on the premises.
Step Three: Choose Your Therapy Method
Next, you need to choose the therapy method that works for you. We offer two distinct modes of engagement:
- By The Minute: Our premium package, this therapy method allows you to purchase time in the room(s) of your choice in 10 minute blocks, allowing you as much time as you need to do as much damage as you want — perfect if you’re the type of person that needs to dispose of a lot of frustration. The only question is, will you smash everything in sight as quickly as possible in a demonstration of sheer rage, or will you take your time to deliberately and meticulously deconstruct every item in the room?
- By The Item: Designed for the more conservative client, this therapy method is ideal if you’ve just had a really bad day at work, for example, and only need to smash a couple of things to lift your spirits. If you choose this option, we’ll charge you based on the total value of the items you destroy — nothing more, nothing less.
Step Four: Clobbering Time
Finally, once everything has been set-up to your specifications, we let you loose in the room — it’s time for some destruction!
While you’re learning what the inside of a computer monitor looks like, you’ll have peace of mind knowing that our staff is looking out for your safety. Our clients are required to wear complete head, eye, and hand protection at all times, and our video surveillance system and two-way intercoms allow us to watch and communicate with you every step of the way.
When your time’s up, come on out of your room for complimentary cookies and juice — you’ll need to replenish your energy, after all, because you’ll soon find out that smashing stuff is pretty hard work!
So what are you waiting for? Doctors across the country agree — bottling up your negative emotions is bad for you, it’s bad for your family, and it’s bad for the environment (it’s true, look it up). Don’t beat your wife when you just can’t take it any longer — take it out on the inanimate objects at THE BREAK ROOM.
If you’re in need of some Destruction Therapy, call THE BREAK ROOM today and reserve your custom-designed room in seconds — it’s that easy! Our expert staff can’t wait to show you a smashing good time!