Easter Holiday Special: Psycho Cannibal Jesus

For hundreds of years we’ve consumed his flesh …
Now he’s back to return the favour!

Say your prayers!

Say your prayers!

Troma Entertainment Presents …

PSYCHO CANNIBAL JESUS

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH — NIGHT

A small church, packed with an assortment of ordinary god-fearing folk, as the decrepit, bespectacled REVEREND O’MALLEY presides over Communion. Outside, a raging thunderstorm terrorizes the night.

O’MALLEY
Deliver us, Lord, from every evil, and
grant us peace in our day. In your mercy keep
us free from sin and protect us from all anxiety
as we wait in joyful hope for the coming of
our Savior, Jesus Christ.

CRACK! Thunder crashes and a flash of lightning illuminates the interior of the church. The wind HOWLS angrily.

CONGREGATION
(in unison)
For the kingdom, the power, and the glory
are yours, now and forever.

CRACK! Another hit of thunder and lightning. The lights suddenly go out, plunging the church into darkness.

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! A loud banging noise is coming from the other side of the large, heavy doors at the entrance of the church.

THE CONGREGATION

murmurs nervously in the darkness.

Flames pierce the darkness as O’Malley lights a series of candles near the altar. He turns to face the congregation.

O’MALLEY
Please, let us continue.
(beat)
Lord Jesus Christ, you said to your apostles:
‘I leave you peace, my peace I give you.’

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK! The banging at the door continues — louder, more frequent.

THE CONGREGATION

murmurs again, frightened.

A WOMAN quickly crosses herself.

CRACK! More thunder and lightning. The wind picks up.

VOICE (O.S.)
Your wait is over, my son.

The congregation looks back to the direction of the voice — the entrance of the church.

The thunderstorm is relentless. In a flash of lightning, we see that the doors to the church have opened. A SHADOWY FIGURE stands in the doorway.

O’MALLEY

adjusts his glasses and squints, trying to make out the silhouette.

O’MALLEY

Who’s there? Show yourself!

The shadowy figure steps forward into the church, revealing himself to be JESUS CHRIST. Dressed in ancient robes and dripping wet from the rain, his eyes are intense, his face like granite.

JESUS
I hope I’m not late.

JESUS

walks up the aisle toward the altar. The congregation sits in their pews and stares as he passes by, awestruck.

O’MALLEY

removes his glasses, his hands trembling.

O’MALLEY
This … this cannot be …

JESUS

steps up to the altar and stands next to O’Malley.

JESUS
But it is.

Jesus gently puts his hands on O’Malley’s shoulders. O’Malley instantly drops to his knees.

O’MALLEY

looks up at Jesus, tears in his eyes.

O’MALLEY
Oh, Jesus … Oh, Lord …

JESUS

glares down at O’Malley.

JESUS
Tell me, my son, how does it taste?

O’MALLEY
Excuse me?

JESUS
I asked, how does it taste?

O’MALLEY
I … I don’t …

JESUS
(angrily)
How does it taste, motherfucker!

THE CONGREGATION

gasps and whispers.

JESUS

grabs O’Malley by the collar, forcing him to his feet.

JESUS
How many times have you eaten my
flesh, my son? How many times have
you sipped from my blood?

O’MALLEY
(terrified)
You … You told us to …

JESUS
I’d like to try this Communion thing, but eating my own
flesh would be so very wrong. Any ideas, Reverend?

O’MALLEY
They’re just crackers–

JESUS
You dare question me? I am your shepherd …

Still holding O’Malley’s collar, Jesus leans in closer. They’re nearly nose-to-nose.

JESUS (cont’d)
And it’s time to lead my sheep to the slaughter.

Jesus lunges at O’Malley’s, sinking his teeth into his throat.

THE CONGREGATION

SCREAMS AND SHOUTS. In a panic, many people leap from their seats and bolt for the exits.

JESUS

pulls back, completely tearing O’Malley’s throat out.

A SPLASH OF BLOOD

splatters against a nearby stained glass window depiction of Jesus. Thunder and lightning strike once more as the congregation SCREAMS hysterically in the background.

That ain't his blood.

That ain't His blood.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. CATHOLIC CHURCH — MORNING

The blood is now caked to the stained glass window. The morning light shines through into the church.

PAULSON (O.S.)
Jesus Christ …

DETECTIVE PAULSON, a stocky man in his 40s, kneels over the body of O’Malley. He shakes his head.

PAULSON
These people didn’t deserve this.

Paulson rises to his feet and scans the area.

PAULSON’S POV

There are bodies everywhere. In the aisle, draped over pews … men, women, and children alike have been slaughtered, their throats ripped out, their guts dangling from torn abdomens. The whole church has been stained with blood. SEVERAL COPS mill about, doing their business.

PAULSON

reaches into his pocket and pulls out a notepad and a pen. He looks down at the paper as he jots down some notes.

PAULSON
What in God’s name happened here?

VOICE (O.S.)
I might be able to answer that question.

Paulson looks up from his notepad.

THE POPE

stands at the doorway of the church, decked out in full ceremonial dress.

THE POPE
And if you act soon enough, Detective, you might
be able to stop him from killing again. Quickly, we
must go. I’ll explain on the way.

Good ... bad ... I'm the guy with the gun.

Good ... bad ... I'm the guy with the gun.

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