The Greatest Game and/or Movie Never Made

Ah, dreams. The brain’s equivalent of terrible late night television, where you sit back and watch retarded shit that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but you can’t get up to change the channel because it’s 3 a.m. and you’re too tired to move an inch.

Yes, everybody has dreams. Usually they mean nothing, and more often than not, you forget absolutely everything about them the minute you wake up, no matter how cool you insist they were (even if you can’t recall any of the details). Last night, however, the dream I had was just so insane, so memorable, and so fantastically awesome, I had to put it into words.

First off, it started with me pitching a video game to somebody. Not sure who, or for what reason, but I was involved in some sort of brainstorming session for a new video game. My big idea? A crossover between Megaman X and Metal Gear Solid. I have no idea why it was those two games, as I haven’t played either in quite some time.

Anyway, as I was pitching the game, I could envision the introductory screen. It started out in 16-bit SNES style, very similar to the intro to just about any Megaman game out there — a series of static images with a bunch of text underneath. In this case, the intro talked about the fact that Megaman and Zero had set out on yet another adventure, but they mysteriously vanished and all attempts to contact them failed. The calls from headquarters were never returned …

Hold on a blank black screen for a few seconds, and then …

*BLEEP* *BLEEP*

The familiar sound of Solid Snake’s Codec!

Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE!

Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE!

The two-panel Codec screen pops up, with Solid Snake on one side and Col. Roy Campbell on the other. I guess it would be up to Solid Snake to rescue Megaman and Zero and save the day!

Hey, if he can appear in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, why not?

At this point, the person I was pitching the game to decided to interject — what if the Umbrella Corporation was behind the disappearance of Megaman and Zero? That way, we could have a triple-crossover with the Resident Evil franchise! Solid Snake could explore the mansion! Yeah! Well, for whatever reason, I wasn’t a big fan of this suggestion, pointing out that doing so would make absolutely no sense.

You know, because Megaman meets Solid Snake does.

Now, here’s where things get a little messed up. I’m not sure if I woke up briefly or what, but the dream takes a radical new direction from here on it. For starters, it’s no longer from my point of view or about me pitching a stupid game to another person. Second, it’s more like a movie than it is a video game — or at the very least, it’s gameplay from the video game I had described, but shot and framed in such a way that it quite closely resembled a standard Hollywood action flick.

What "Mondo Metal" is, according to Google.

What "Mondo Metal" is, according to Google Image Search.

Anyway, the game’s hero, Solid Snake, has confronted some generic thug in a warehouse. It should be noted that for whatever reason, Solid Snake is wielding a katana. The thug grabs a couple of swords from a rack (big futuristic-looking scimitar type things), but Solid Snake easily cuts them in half with one swipe of the katana. The useless halves of the thug’s swords clang noisily against the ground. Solid Snake points his katana at the thug’s neck, forcing the thug to shuffle backwards against a wall. While he never takes his eyes off of the katana, the thug smirks, telling Snake that Mondo Metal has much more powerful and advanced weapons that could never be broken by mere steel.

Yes, the big bad guy’s name is apparently Mondo Metal. Your guess is as good as mine.

The thug then informs Snake that he is too late and that Mondo Metal’s plan is already underway, to which Snake gruffly replies (as if he could reply in any other fashion other than gruff): “What, putting everybody on the planet in hives? It’ll never happen.”

CUT TO:

A bunch of giant wasp nest structures, suspended in air by a single helicopter propeller on top. Each “hive” has a cave-like entrance near the top, which is guarded by a guy behind a giant rifle. Dozens of people, all wearing shabby clothes, mill about near the entrace to the hive. They look like prisoners.

And one of the prisoners is Shaq. As in, THE Shaq. And he tells the guard that he has to go into the hive and get his cell phone because he needs to Twitter. Shaq promises he’ll be back in just a second, and the guard agrees (because everybody knows that not allowing Shaq to Twitter would be a crime against humanity). So, Shaq enters the hive.

Moments later he emerges, but not as Shaq, but as his superhero alter-ego, Steel! At the same time, dozens of other costumed superheroes zoom out of the hives in some sort of coordinated effort to escape and overwhelm their captors!

Shaq is awesome.

Shaq is awesome.

The question is, which other superheroes would appear in this dream / movie / game? Well, that decision was all mine, as the viewpoint shifted from Hollywood cinematics to that of some sort all-seeing god — which was apparently me. As the action paused, I could see, in a first-person perspective ripped straight out of a video game, my hand rummaging through a box of old action figures. This box happened to include all of the X-Men action figures I had played with when I was younger, even the duplicates. I eventually grabbed brown Wolverine (as opposed to blue/yellow), blue/white hooded Cyclops (instead of blue/yellow), Sabretooth, Juggernaut, and a couple others. I distinctly remember passing over Banshee, even muttering “You suck, Banshee” while flinging the figure into some sort of abyss.

You suck, Banshee.

You suck, Banshee.

Then, all of my chosen X-Men characters emerge from the hive and start fighting with the guards. However, the action is interrupted by a female voice (not entirely sure who or why), which tells me that it makes no sense for only mutants and superheroes to be held captive in the hives — there should be some regular people imprisoned as well, and these people should get caught up in the moment and try to fight against their captors, too.

Yeah, about that cheese ...

Yeah, about that cheese ...

So, we switch back to the “God’s Toybox” point of view, where I rummage through the remaining action figures and settle on some generic black dude in a red shirt. I then decide that it sort of looks like Steve Urkel from Family Matters, to which it instantly does become an action figure of Steve Urkel, complete with the following ability — when you squeeze both his legs together, a little voicebox in his chest says “Got any cheeeeeese?”

Anyway, Urkel, wearing a bedsheet cape, also emerges from the hive and starts flying around.

And then I woke up. At least, that’s the last I can remember of it, anyway.

So, did I just imagine the plot to the greatest video game and/or movie that will never get made? Or am I just crazy?

Probably a little of both.

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