Deadliest Warrior, Season Two: The Deadlierest

There’s no denying the fact that most shows on Spike TV are absolutely terrible. I mean, there’s a reason why 90% of their programming consists of UFC fights and CSI reruns — even the bigwigs at Spike realize that their original shows are downright atrocious and wish to limit their visibility as much possible.

Which makes it incredibly shocking that, despite their track record, they somehow went out and produced one hell of a television gem: Deadliest Warrior.

The best new show in a long time.

The best new show in a long time.

Daring to answer mankind’s most pressing questions (or at least the types of questions posed by history buffs and anthropology nerds), the crack team of experts on Deadliest Warrior picked apart the strengths and weaknesses of history’s greatest warriors to declare, once and for all, what would happen if a Viking faced off with a Samurai, or if a Shaolin Monk went mano-a-mano with a Maori Warrior.

Needless to say, the show was twelve kinds of awesome. Unfortunately … the season is over. All of the battles have been played out and all of the warriors have been sent back to their respective eras. The elephant in the room, of course, is the question on so many minds: Will it return for a second season? And if so, what new warriors will enter the fray?

Luckily for you, dear reader, I have the inside scoop. Yes, Deadliest Warrior will return for a second season, and from what I’ve heard, the battles will be even more insane than ever before! If you thought the Taliban versus the IRA was ridiculous, wait ’til you see what Spike has in store for next season!

Indeed, prepare to be shocked as we discover, once and for, who … is … deadliest!

ADOLF HITLER vs. JOSEF STALIN

William Wallace against Shaka Zulu was just the beginning — now it’s time to pit two of history’s most evil bastards against each other to find out who … is … deadliest! For this fight, we’re not talking about Nazis versus Soviets. We’re not talking about massive battles with armies and commanders and generals. No, we’re talking about one-on-one, man-to-man combat between two of history’s most ruthless and despised leaders!

Unfortunately for him, Hitler's arm-mounted miniguns are more fiction that fact.

Sadly, Hitler's arm-mounted miniguns are more fiction that fact.

There will be no weapons … just fists, feet, and cunning intellect. Will Hitler’s gastro-intestinal problems and Parkinson’s Disease be able to triumph over Stalin’s short stature and crippled left arm? And what impact will Stalin’s larger moustache have during the battle? Watch as the Deadliest Warrior team systematically tests each leader’s military uniform to determine which one could withstand more weak, pathetic blows!

Remember, one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths is a statistic. Find out which evil monster comes to a “tragic” end in an episode that you’ll definitely not want to miss!

RCMP MUSICAL RIDE vs. BUCKINGHAM PALACE GUARD

The RCMP Musical Ride — well-trained police officers who spend their time learning how to make horses prance around in formation in order to impress children and tourists. The Buckingham Palace Guard — well-trained military soldiers who spend their time perfecting the art of standing completely still for hours at a time. Both sides wear funny red uniforms and ridiculous hats. But which of these national icons/stereotypes … is … deadliest?

Watch out! They've got long wooden poles!

Watch out! They've got long wooden poles!

Will the outstanding discipline of the Buckingham Palace Guard be enough to triumph in battle? Or will the animal husbandry of the Mounties give them the edge? In terms of weaponry, the Queen’s Guard carries an impressive looking rifle that, while unloaded and present only for ceremonial purposes, can still be used as a dangerous blunt weapon. But will they get to use it, seeing as how the Musical Ride just might have a distinct reach advantage with their non-threatening pennons and flags?

Hang on to your Stetsons and Bearskins — this one will be epic!

AMERICAN FOOTBALL PLAYER vs. AUSTRALIAN RUGBY PLAYER

It’s time to settle the age-old debate — are football players really just a bunch of pussies that should be playing rugby instead? In this squad-based match-up, the Deadliest Warrior team will put each team through its paces to determine, once and for all, who … is … deadliest!

A deadly projectile?

A deadly projectile?

Football players are known for their size and strength — can they use their bulk to their advantage? Rugby players like to make jokes about all of the padding worn by the football players — but when push comes to shove, will they be able to find a way to break through that imposing defence? Will the versatility and endurance of the rugby players carry them past the football players, who are known as dedicated specialists that can only play for a few seconds at a time? Plus, what kind of damage can a rugby ball and a football do to a ballistics gel torso?

Yes, in a match-up this heated, we might need overtime to declare a champion!

ULTIMATE WARRIOR vs. TIE DOMI

He claims to the be the “ultimate” warrior. But is … he … deadliest? In this episode, our team of experts will find out what happens when you take two so-called fighters and set them on a no-holds-barred collision course with destiny.

Feel the DESTRUCITY!

Feel the DESTRUCITY!

In one corner, you have one of the WWF’s greatest showmen of all-time — a roided-up meathead with a severely limited knowledge of grappling and even more limited grasp on reality. In the other corner, you have one of the NHL’s greatest showmen of all-time — a small dude with an oddly-proportioned head and a severely limited knowledge of basic hockey skills. Both are fighters in only the loosest sense of the word, engaging in scripted bouts of pugilism for the sole purpose of getting the fans riled up and out of their seats. The question is, who will be victorious when everything’s on the line and the punches are real? Which sports hero will flinch first?

No count-outs. No disqualifications. Two men enter, but only one man will survive!

Wow. A bunch of classic battles, to be sure. And that’s just a taste of what’s coming up in season two of Deadliest Warrior. Man, I can’t wait!

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The Greatest Game and/or Movie Never Made

Ah, dreams. The brain’s equivalent of terrible late night television, where you sit back and watch retarded shit that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever, but you can’t get up to change the channel because it’s 3 a.m. and you’re too tired to move an inch.

Yes, everybody has dreams. Usually they mean nothing, and more often than not, you forget absolutely everything about them the minute you wake up, no matter how cool you insist they were (even if you can’t recall any of the details). Last night, however, the dream I had was just so insane, so memorable, and so fantastically awesome, I had to put it into words.

First off, it started with me pitching a video game to somebody. Not sure who, or for what reason, but I was involved in some sort of brainstorming session for a new video game. My big idea? A crossover between Megaman X and Metal Gear Solid. I have no idea why it was those two games, as I haven’t played either in quite some time.

Anyway, as I was pitching the game, I could envision the introductory screen. It started out in 16-bit SNES style, very similar to the intro to just about any Megaman game out there — a series of static images with a bunch of text underneath. In this case, the intro talked about the fact that Megaman and Zero had set out on yet another adventure, but they mysteriously vanished and all attempts to contact them failed. The calls from headquarters were never returned …

Hold on a blank black screen for a few seconds, and then …

*BLEEP* *BLEEP*

The familiar sound of Solid Snake’s Codec!

Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE!

Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAAAKE!

The two-panel Codec screen pops up, with Solid Snake on one side and Col. Roy Campbell on the other. I guess it would be up to Solid Snake to rescue Megaman and Zero and save the day!

Hey, if he can appear in Super Smash Bros. Brawl, why not?

At this point, the person I was pitching the game to decided to interject — what if the Umbrella Corporation was behind the disappearance of Megaman and Zero? That way, we could have a triple-crossover with the Resident Evil franchise! Solid Snake could explore the mansion! Yeah! Well, for whatever reason, I wasn’t a big fan of this suggestion, pointing out that doing so would make absolutely no sense.

You know, because Megaman meets Solid Snake does.

Now, here’s where things get a little messed up. I’m not sure if I woke up briefly or what, but the dream takes a radical new direction from here on it. For starters, it’s no longer from my point of view or about me pitching a stupid game to another person. Second, it’s more like a movie than it is a video game — or at the very least, it’s gameplay from the video game I had described, but shot and framed in such a way that it quite closely resembled a standard Hollywood action flick.

What "Mondo Metal" is, according to Google.

What "Mondo Metal" is, according to Google Image Search.

Anyway, the game’s hero, Solid Snake, has confronted some generic thug in a warehouse. It should be noted that for whatever reason, Solid Snake is wielding a katana. The thug grabs a couple of swords from a rack (big futuristic-looking scimitar type things), but Solid Snake easily cuts them in half with one swipe of the katana. The useless halves of the thug’s swords clang noisily against the ground. Solid Snake points his katana at the thug’s neck, forcing the thug to shuffle backwards against a wall. While he never takes his eyes off of the katana, the thug smirks, telling Snake that Mondo Metal has much more powerful and advanced weapons that could never be broken by mere steel.

Yes, the big bad guy’s name is apparently Mondo Metal. Your guess is as good as mine.

The thug then informs Snake that he is too late and that Mondo Metal’s plan is already underway, to which Snake gruffly replies (as if he could reply in any other fashion other than gruff): “What, putting everybody on the planet in hives? It’ll never happen.”

CUT TO:

A bunch of giant wasp nest structures, suspended in air by a single helicopter propeller on top. Each “hive” has a cave-like entrance near the top, which is guarded by a guy behind a giant rifle. Dozens of people, all wearing shabby clothes, mill about near the entrace to the hive. They look like prisoners.

And one of the prisoners is Shaq. As in, THE Shaq. And he tells the guard that he has to go into the hive and get his cell phone because he needs to Twitter. Shaq promises he’ll be back in just a second, and the guard agrees (because everybody knows that not allowing Shaq to Twitter would be a crime against humanity). So, Shaq enters the hive.

Moments later he emerges, but not as Shaq, but as his superhero alter-ego, Steel! At the same time, dozens of other costumed superheroes zoom out of the hives in some sort of coordinated effort to escape and overwhelm their captors!

Shaq is awesome.

Shaq is awesome.

The question is, which other superheroes would appear in this dream / movie / game? Well, that decision was all mine, as the viewpoint shifted from Hollywood cinematics to that of some sort all-seeing god — which was apparently me. As the action paused, I could see, in a first-person perspective ripped straight out of a video game, my hand rummaging through a box of old action figures. This box happened to include all of the X-Men action figures I had played with when I was younger, even the duplicates. I eventually grabbed brown Wolverine (as opposed to blue/yellow), blue/white hooded Cyclops (instead of blue/yellow), Sabretooth, Juggernaut, and a couple others. I distinctly remember passing over Banshee, even muttering “You suck, Banshee” while flinging the figure into some sort of abyss.

You suck, Banshee.

You suck, Banshee.

Then, all of my chosen X-Men characters emerge from the hive and start fighting with the guards. However, the action is interrupted by a female voice (not entirely sure who or why), which tells me that it makes no sense for only mutants and superheroes to be held captive in the hives — there should be some regular people imprisoned as well, and these people should get caught up in the moment and try to fight against their captors, too.

Yeah, about that cheese ...

Yeah, about that cheese ...

So, we switch back to the “God’s Toybox” point of view, where I rummage through the remaining action figures and settle on some generic black dude in a red shirt. I then decide that it sort of looks like Steve Urkel from Family Matters, to which it instantly does become an action figure of Steve Urkel, complete with the following ability — when you squeeze both his legs together, a little voicebox in his chest says “Got any cheeeeeese?”

Anyway, Urkel, wearing a bedsheet cape, also emerges from the hive and starts flying around.

And then I woke up. At least, that’s the last I can remember of it, anyway.

So, did I just imagine the plot to the greatest video game and/or movie that will never get made? Or am I just crazy?

Probably a little of both.

Willy Wonka and the Anthropomorphic Candy

You know what are great? Nerds candy. They always have been and always will be quite awesome. In fact, I had some recently and they were tasty and good. End of story. End of blog post. Have a nice day.

But seriously, as I was eating these delicious little nuggets of crystallized sucrose, I noticed something rather startling. You see, like many products designed for kids, the esteemed Willy Wonka has seen fit to provide the eponymous Nerds with various anthropomorphic qualities, turning the candy itself into adorable little creatures with no arms and big noses:

Clearly these Nerds are XTREME!

Clearly these Nerds are XTREME!

Note the happy nature of the little guys. They’re skateboarding, rollerblading, playing Frisbee, tossing around a beach ball … all without a care in the world.

Until you pluck them from their joyful existence and devour the entire colony whole.

You are Gargamel and they are the Smurfs. Only this time, Gargamel wins.

Sure, the anthropomorphic nature of food and candy and whatnot is nothing new or earth-shattering. There are undoubtedly hundreds of examples of companies slapping googly eyes on something and calling it a day, such as the creatively-bankrupt Nugget Buddies at McDonald’s.

But to fully understand the true nature of Nerds, we have to look at something a little more similar than hunks of deep-fried chicken. Thus, I present to you Exhibit B — fellow Wonka product, Runts:

Not quite as XTREME as the Nerds.

Not quite as XTREME as the Nerds.

Look familiar? I would hope so, as the designers of this box did the same thing as the geniuses behind the Nerds box — they slapped some eyes, sunglasses, and various sporting goods onto their candy. Yet the effect is entirely different (for starters, I don’t feel that I’m committing genocide when I eat a box of Runts).

The reason? Well, with Nerds, you’re eating blobs of hardened sugar that come in a variety of random shapes and hundreds of crazy flavours. As such, there is no preconceived notion as to what a “Nerd” truly is. Therefore, you can attribute whatever characteristics you want to them before shoving them down your throat.

In comparison, when you eat Runts, you know that even though they may be wearing sunglasses and riding rollerblades, you’re still eating bananas and strawberries — and nothing more. A Nugget Buddy is just a tasty Chicken McNugget that happens to have the gift of sight. But really, what the hell is a Nerd, and why I am I eating them? It’s enough to stop filling your face for a second and ponder the mysteries of life.

Just for the record, I’m not some hippy vegetarian that refuses eat anything that has a face. I have absolutely no qualms about murdering an entire family of soccer-playing Nerds. But the fact that the anthropomorphizing of these two types of candies leads to two entirely different states of mind is an interesting observation, if I do say so myself.

Great Ideas: The Break Room

Are you feeling down in the dumps? Fed up with your lot in life? Want to punch the entire world in the balls just to show it how angry and frustrated you are? Then come on down to THE BREAK ROOM — the country’s only Destruction Therapy Centre!

Whether your girlfriend just dumped you, your pet hamster died, or you simply need to let loose all of the pent-up rage from a shitty day at the office, thanks to our revolutionary new techniques you’ll feel better in no time flat — or your money back!

What is Destruction Therapy?

You ever see the movie Citizen Kane? Remember that scene where Kane completely loses it after his wife leaves him and he starts smashing everything in her room? What? You don’t remember it, and in fact, you’ve never even seen the movie? That’s okay, we’re not all film snobs. Besides, it’s a long movie, it’s entirely in black and white … who could watch something that old, anyway?

Well, how about Office Space? In addition to the witty banter about staplers and TPS reports, you probably fondly recall the scene where the guys bust up the printer with a baseball bat. That scene grabbed us because, let’s face it, we’ve all been there before — so fed up that we wanted nothing more than to take a blunt object and reduce the things we hate to a pile of smoldering rubble.

And that’s the very essence of Destruction Therapy. Instead of bottling up all of your rage and frustration (which will fester inside you until the day you snap and shoot up a middle school), Destruction Therapy encourages you to just let it all out through the sweet, cathartic release of controlled mayhem and devastation!

Office Space - Printer Scene

A prime example of Destruction Therapy in practice.

At THE BREAK ROOM, we offer several different Destruction Therapy options to choose from, all of which can be completely custom-designed to meet your needs.

So, how does it work? It’s simple.

Step One: Choose Your Room

First, you need something to destroy. We offer our clients a variety of preset combinations to choose from, including favourites such as:

  • The Girl’s Room: Complete with an assortment frilly pillows, vanity mirrors, stuffed animals, and porcelain dolls for you to annihilate, it’s the perfect choice for all of the bitter, jaded, and heartbroken guys out there.
  • The Boy’s Room: If you’re a bitter, jaded, and heartbroken woman, then you’ll relish the opportunity to “stick it to the man” by demolishing this room, which can be customized with a variety of sports trophies, video game systems, automobile paraphernalia, and Dungeons & Dragons manuals.
  • The Office: Hate your job? Then you’ll love tearing apart this room, which is packed with computers, printers, copiers, cubicle walls, mini-fridges, and ancient microwaves. Mac and PC configurations are available.

Of course, you can also make your own Custom Room from scratch — just let us know the types of items you want to smash and we’ll order them in, just for you. Want to ravage a replica lawyer’s office or dentist’s chair? Your favourite sports team eliminated from the playoffs and you’d like to mutilate anything with your rival’s logo on it? Having cell phone troubles and want to take it out on RIM’s entire line-up? If you can dream it, we can build it … and then we’ll let you savagely destroy it.

Step Two: Choose Your Weapons

Second, you need to choose your weapons. Our team of certified Destruction Therapists carries a fully-stocked arsenal of high-impact tools, including sporting equipment and martial arts weaponry from across the globe. Whether you like the manly heftiness of a sledgehammer, the range of a hockey stick, the precision of a katana, or the personal touch of steel-toed boots, we have what you need to make short work of the room of you chose in Step One.

For the safety of our staff and clients, THE BREAK ROOM uses blunt and bladed objects only — no guns, explosions, or flammable weapons are permitted on the premises.

Just a small sample of our implements of destruction.

Just a small sample of our implements of destruction.

Step Three: Choose Your Therapy Method

Next, you need to choose the therapy method that works for you. We offer two distinct modes of engagement:

  • By The Minute: Our premium package, this therapy method allows you to purchase time in the room(s) of your choice in 10 minute blocks, allowing you as much time as you need to do as much damage as you want — perfect if you’re the type of person that needs to dispose of a lot of frustration. The only question is, will you smash everything in sight as quickly as possible in a demonstration of sheer rage, or will you take your time to deliberately and meticulously deconstruct every item in the room?
  • By The Item: Designed for the more conservative client, this therapy method is ideal if you’ve just had a really bad day at work, for example, and only need to smash a couple of things to lift your spirits. If you choose this option, we’ll charge you based on the total value of the items you destroy — nothing more, nothing less.

Step Four: Clobbering Time

Finally, once everything has been set-up to your specifications, we let you loose in the room — it’s time for some destruction!

While you’re learning what the inside of a computer monitor looks like, you’ll have peace of mind knowing that our staff is looking out for your safety. Our clients are required to wear complete head, eye, and hand protection at all times, and our video surveillance system and two-way intercoms allow us to watch and communicate with you every step of the way.

When your time’s up, come on out of your room for complimentary cookies and juice — you’ll need to replenish your energy, after all, because you’ll soon find out that smashing stuff is pretty hard work!

You've wanted to do this your entire life.

You've wanted to do this your entire life.

So what are you waiting for? Doctors across the country agree — bottling up your negative emotions is bad for you, it’s bad for your family, and it’s bad for the environment (it’s true, look it up). Don’t beat your wife when you just can’t take it any longer — take it out on the inanimate objects at THE BREAK ROOM.

If you’re in need of some Destruction Therapy, call THE BREAK ROOM today and reserve your custom-designed room in seconds — it’s that easy! Our expert staff can’t wait to show you a smashing good time!

Great Ideas: Xtreme Weddings & Events

So you’re getting married, and like any happy couple, you want your special day to be absolutely perfect. But let’s face it — if you’ve seen one boring wedding in a church, you’ve seen them all (that is, if you could actually manage to stay awake for the whole thing).

You don’t want your guests to be bored to tears during the ceremony … do you? You don’t want them to pelt you with rotten, maggot-infested vegetables for wasting their precious time … do you? You don’t want them to burn down the church because your incessant lameness has unleashed some sort of primitive, unspeakable rage … do you?

Of course you don’t! You want your friends and family to talk about your nuptials for generations to come! You want the mayor to declare your special day a civic holiday on account of how much you rock! You want your in-laws to keel over dead right then and there, not because they will always disapprove of your sham of a marriage, but because they’ve been bombarded with lethal doses of in-ya-face, mind-shattering awesomeness!

Yes, if you’re looking to make your “day to remember” an actual day to remember — and I’m talking forever, like the days recounted in the Bible or Harry Potter — then you need to take your ceremony to the max with …

XTREME WEDDINGS & EVENTS

CURRENT WEDDING SPECIAL — “THE DESCENT”

Here comes the bride … from 20,000 feet! Take your vows TO THE XTREME as your entire wedding party leaps out of the rusted underbelly of a C-130 Hercules airplane! Our skydiving instructor / reverend is fully-trained, fully-equipped, and fully-ordained to ensure your ceremony is a soaring success!

Remember, when you’ve dropped so far and so quickly, there’s only one place for your marriage to go from here — and that’s up!

TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

And hey, just because you’re approaching terminal velocity doesn’t mean you can’t also get the wedding video of your dreams! Shot from five different angles as you’re free-falling through the stratosphere (including Helmet-Cams on both the bride and groom) and edited on the premises by the same geniuses behind Michael Bay’s Hollywood blockbusters, your high-definition Blu-Ray wedding video will be so spectacular and action-packed it’ll make your pathetic bridesmaids cut themselves out of sheer jealously knowing that their wedding (yeah, as if that’ll ever happen) will never be as XTREME as yours!

BONUS OPTION:
If you really want to “take the leap” into marriage, then you’ll definitely want choose our famous Ring Toss Special! The sacred bands of matrimony gets thrown from the plane first, followed shortly by the bride and groom. If you catch the rings, you get married! If you miss, well, it simply wasn’t meant to be! It’s like playing a live-action game of Sonic the Hedgehog — TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

THEME ROOMS FOR ALL OCCASIONS

Many conference centres and banquet halls have theme rooms such as “The Olympus” and “The Athena” … but what are these but empty labels? At XTREME WEDDINGS & EVENTS, when we name one of our rooms after something, we fucking mean it! Choose from a variety of themed rooms, including the following favourites:

THE SPARTAN

In these tough economic times, it simply doesn’t make sense to spend tens of thousands of dollars on tuxedos, wedding dresses, and decorations. So why not take you wedding back to a simpler time, when men were men and women were reduced to secondary plot devices?

When you hold your event in “The Spartan”, all of the men will be required to wear speedos and red capes, while the women will wear flimsy, see-through white togas. Better bring your cough drops, because yelling is mandatory for the guys — and savagely enforced by shock collars wired to decibel meters found throughout the room. To complete the experience, when the final vows have been made, you’ll get the opportunity to kick our Hollywood-trained stuntman / non-denominational minister into a bottomless pit!

TO THE XTREME!

MADNESS? THIS ... IS ... XTREME!

THE DIONYSUS

Named after the Greek god of wine and celebration, when you host your wedding reception or business event in “The Dionysus”, it’s all wine, all the time. Everybody has to drink — in fact, we have ex-Mossad private security officers stationed at every exit to test your blood alcohol levels. If you ain’t completely shit-faced, then you ain’t leaving! Complimentary taxi chits not included — because that’s not taking drunkenness TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

THE OCTAGON

Isn’t it a pain in the ass trying to figure out who to put in your wedding party? Why not make the decision-making process part of the wedding ceremony itself? Yes, it’s time to find out who the “best man” really is.

When you hold your event in “The Octagon”, the two top contenders for each position will enter the cage — but only one will leave. Battered and bloody, the victors will take their place by your side as you say your vows. No longer will they feel like inanimate objects intruding on your special day — that feeling of awkward uselessness will be replaced with an irreplacable bond that can only be formed after defeating another man in hand-to-hand combat for your amusement and approval.

Traditional wedding presents such as toasters and coathangers will be replaced by the cold, hard cash produced by the wagers placed on the fights. And for those situations when wedding rings simply aren’t XTREME enough, our fully-sanctioned referee / cutman / holy father will award the bride and groom with matching championship belts.

TO THE XTREME!

TO THE XTREME!

BOOK YOUR SPECIAL EVENT TODAY!

No matter what type of event you’re looking to have, our XTREME-certified wedding planners can fully customize any of our packages to turn your experience into a truly one-of-kind, memorable spectacle for the ages. Contact us today to learn just how easy it can be!

When you want to take your special day to the max, say “I DO” to XTREME WEDDINGS & EVENTS!

A Cuppa Joe 65 Million Years in the Making

Editors Note: While I originally posted this on my work blog, The Daily Breakthrough (as it’s marketing related), I feel that I can … how shall we say … more pungently describe my feelings in this space.

Last Thursday, I was tasked with the incredibly tedious chore of attending a government RFP briefing session and taking notes on behalf of one of Marketing Breakthroughs’ clients. Sounds exciting, I know, but let’s set the stage, shall we?

First, despite the fact that the presentation was entirely in English, it was presented by a couple of dudes with thick Quebecois accents, making aural comprehension a chore, to say the least. Second, all these guys did was read their lame PowerPoint slides word for word, simulatenously infuriating and boring me to death.

So I was sitting there, entertaining the notion of imploding my skull by bashing it repeatedly against the table, when a shocking revelation struck me with the force a thousand charging yaks. You see, my clients decided to stop off at a nearby Second Cup while on their way to their meeting, and since the speakers weren’t doing a damned thing to win my interest, I decided to study the coffee cups. And that’s when I noticed something very peculiar …

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

Welcome to Jurassic Park!

That’s right. The Second Cup logo is the Jurassic Park logo.

Apparently Second Cup changed their logo a couple of years ago, but I’m not a coffee drinker, so this was entirely new to me. And let me tell you … it friggin’ blew me away. In fact, I was utterly transfixed on this unparalleled example on insanity that was just sitting there right in front of my face.

I mean, sure, Jurassic Park is a kickass movie, and the visual effects still hold up amazingly well to this day. But for a coffee chain to completely ape the logo? How in the holy hell did that happen?

I can just imagine some Second Cup marketing genius circa 2005 or 2006 pitching the following to the execs …

“You know what all the kids all raging about these days? That dinosaur movie from 1993! If only we could somehow capitalize on this phenomenon, we’ll be riding the express train to Moneyville, all the way to the corner of Blow Street and Hooker Boulevard!”

Insanity, I tells ya. Insanity.

And the worst part is, staring at the logo didn’t make me want to buy a coffee or hot chocolate … instead, it put John Williams’ score in my head and made me want to watch Jurassic Park for the hundredth time.

In fact, I’m done talking about Second Cup. Fuck Second Cup. I hate coffee anyway … vile, nasty swill that should only be consumed if there is no suitable motor oil substitute available. Let’s talk about Jurassic Park instead!

“He left us! He left us!”

“They should all be destroyed.”

“But John, if the Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists.”

“Clever girl …”

“Please! I’ve had it with this hacker crap!”

“And that’s when the attack comes … not from the front, but from the side, from the other two raptors you didn’t even know were there.”

"Yes, we have a T-Rex!"

"Yes, we have a T-Rex!"

Enter the Blogosphere

So, it’s finally happened. I’ve started a blog.

Yeah, I know, it’s frightening. Completely out of character, really. I mean, I can hardly think of anything interesting or relevant to share on my Facebook or Twitter accounts, let alone on something as in-depth (yet incredibly mundane) as a blog.

But hear me out. Launching a blog is actually something I should have done a long time ago. It’s been ages since I wrote anything creative that wasn’t work related, and you know what? That really burns my toast. Grinds my gears. Gets my goat (wait, I have a goat now?). I’m supposed to be a creative type guy, and I can’t even bear to lay a finger on the keyboard once the work day is done?

Well, fuck that, ‘cuz shit’s a-changing. And it all starts here.

In the end, this blog is simply an outlet to get me writing again. Writing anything, really … whatever the hell pops into my head. Hopefully nothing too lame, however. My plan is to keep this a fairly creative and substantial piece of work, so you won’t see too many posts consisting of “OMG I had choklit ice crem today! and I loves it!!!1!” (besides, that’s what Twitter is for).

Sure, there are many questions. How long will I stick with this blog? Will anybody read it? Should anybody read it? I dunno. We’ll cross that bridge when we get there … and then we’ll send truck after truck across that bridge to determine how much weight it can hold.

"And here ... we ... go!"

"And here ... we ... go!"