The Scene: Isla Sorna, Costa Rica. In particular, InGen Site B — the breeding ground /research facility for the dinosaurs that would ultimately end up at the infamous Jurassic Park.
The Participants: A bunch of awesome dinosaurs and dozens of tasty people (albeit mostly of the generic variety).
The Question: Which dinosaur from The Lost World is truly the most effective prehistoric killing machine?
The Methodology: Each encounter (defined as “an edible foe being easily within reach”) will be scored as either a “KILL” or a “MISS” by our panel of judges. Half-points may be awarded for effort or merit, where applicable. Final scores for each prehistoric creature will be tabulated in a manner similar to a batting average in baseball, with additional adjudicator commentary as required.
An curious little creature that is just slightly larger than a chicken, compsognathus can hardly be considered an intimidating foe. While widely thought to be nothing more than a jackal-esque scavenger, it is a viciously aggressive little bastard that travels in packs, meaning that when it does hunt, it has overwhelming numbers on its side.
Its critics maintain that its puny size makes it ill-equipped for a tournament of this nature, but many supporters believe that the compy’s quickness and strength in numbers can triumph over its diminutive stature. So, just how effective of a killing machine was compsognathus?
- 1/2 KILL — Cathy, the spoiled little rich girl on the beach. While a mere child should be no match for a freakin’ dinosaur, the compy starts the competition on the wrong foot by merely wounding the girl instead of completely devouring her. Partial credit for inflicting injury shall be awarded, however. 0.5 for 1.
- MISS — Dieter in the forest. Proving to be braver beyond its size, a single compsognathus gets up close and personal with the dude that always gets cast in movies when you need a generic Russian or Swede or German. Unfortunately, it just stands there like an idiot until it gets zapped by Dieter’s cattle prod. Uh, you’re doing it wrong. 0.5 for 2.
- KILL — Dieter in the forest, part II — The Revenge. While it was extended struggle, it must be noted that the compy does not possess the one-hit killing power of its larger brethren. As such, there shall be no deductions or penalties as a result of not immediately killing Dieter the first time he is jumped by the pack. 1.5 for 3.
FINAL TALLY: 1.5 for 3 (0.500 killing average).
Emphasizing teamwork over individual glory, the compsognathus has proven itself to be an adapt warrior capable of taking down prey several times its size. While it needs to work on its consistency, there’s no reason to believe that this “little dino that could” won’t make a big name for itself in this legendary sport.
The reigning heavyweight champion of Jurassic Park, the mighty tyrannosaur is eager to defend its title. While it still brings incredible size, massive serrated teeth, and brutally powerful jaws to the competition, like any good champion, it knows that it can’t simply rest on its laurels and hope to emerge victorious once again. That’s why the tyrannosaurus comes to this year’s event with a nasty new parental defensive instinct and a pimped-out sense of smell — perhaps the best olfactory senses this side of the turkey vulture.
While it still has the same glaring weaknesses as before, including useless forelimbs and poor eyesight, they sure as hell didn’t stop the T-Rex from taking the title before. But that was on Isla Nublar — how well will it fare on Isla Sorna?
- MISS — Nick and Sarah as they carry the wounded baby tyrannosaur back to the trailer. Yes, we understand that it was injured, but in this type of competition, you have to be able to play through the pain. Instead of crying like a little bitch, how about you try clawing or scratching or biting at the stupid humans as they kidnap you? Just a thought. 0 for 1.
- MISS — Sarah outside the trailer. After putting a cast on the broken leg of the Baby Rex, Sarah opens up the trailer door and places the infant at the feet of its parents, who are just standing there politely at the door like a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Come on, the chick is right there under your nose! Devour her! Could the T-Rex already be choking under the pressure of defending its title? 0 for 2.
- 1/2 KILL — The car and the trailer. Realizing how badly it screwed up, the T-Rex goes apeshit (dinoshit?) on an assortment of vehicles. While they can’t be scored as kills (since a car is not alive, of course), a half-point is awarded for mass destruction. 0.5 for 3.
- KILL — Eddie in the car. Putting the shame of not being able to eat Tim and Lex behind, the tyrannosaur finally snacks on somebody inside a vehicle … and it tastes good. 1.5 for 4.
- MISS — Sarah and Kelly in the tent. Demonstrating its awesome dino-ninja capabilities, the tyrannosaur somehow sneaks into the human camp unnoticed and pokes its head into the ladies’ tent. While Kelly makes a bunch of noise and squirms around, undoubtedly drawing attention to herself, the T-Rex is apparently not a fan of dark meat and decides not to put the child out of her misery. 1.5 for 5.
- KILL — Some generic InGen grunt during the chase sequence. While the T-Rex prefers the taste of blood on the tip of its tongue, it’s not averse to just squashing some poor bugger under its massive feet when the opportunity arises. 2.5 for 6.
- MISS — Everybody else during the chase sequence. The T-Rex can run nearly as fast as a moving vehicle — this fact has been established on several occasions. So why can’t it chase down a disorganized mob of half-asleep people who are very slowly fleeing for their lives? Pundits are already questioning as to whether the tyrannosaur let its cardio slip during the off-season. 2.5 for 7.
- KILL — Dr. Burke in the waterfall, who decided that a snake was more of a threat than a pissed-off dinosaur. Bad move, buddy. 3.5 for 8.
- MISS — Everybody else in the waterfall. The tyrannosaur could taste victory — literally — but it couldn’t push itself (or at the very least, its tongue) those last few inches to finish the job. Plus, it was completely oblivious to the location of Dr. Malcolm, who must have been riding on the dinosaur’s back based on how quickly he got into the waterfall once the T-Rex pulled its head out of the cave. 3.5 for 9.
- MISS — The police officers and security guards fleeing from the boat. The tyrannosaur half-heartedly lunges at one of them, but the officer dives off the dock and into the water just before the T-Rex can get its jaws around him. Close, but no cigar. 3.5 for 10.
- KILL — The family dog. Yeah, it’s an easy kill, but at this point, the defending champ will take any points it can get. 4.5 for 11.
- 1/2 KILL — The bus and its passengers. Frustrated with the way the game is going, the T-Rex smashes the hell out of a city bus. As an unexpected bonus, when it rams the side of the vehicle, several people go flying through the windows, undoubtedly causing numerous lacerations and broken bones. While the full extent of the casualties is unknown, this type of damage is easily worth a half-point. 5 for 12.
- MISS — The rest of the people in the city. While the T-Rex can clearly run as fast as bus when he wants to, a stampede of terrified people once again proves to be too much for the big dinosaur to handle. Perhaps too much motion is overloading its tiny little brain? 5 for 13.
- KILL — The unlucky bastard in front of the store. Tired of chasing people around the block, the T-Rex goes for the easy kill by scarfing down some schmuck who thought running into a wall would be a good escape route. 6 for 14.
- KILL — Peter Ludlow, the nephew of John Hammond, in the boat. A truly touching moment in the history of parenthood as Big Rex lets Baby Rex finish the job. 7 for 15.
FINAL TALLY: 7 for 15 (0.467 killing average).
While the T-Rex still put up some impressive numbers, scoring a total of seven points, it doesn’t come close to reaching the impressive 0.600 average that it scored on Isla Nublar. At some points, it looked as though Big Rex’s heart simply wasn’t in it. Has the champ run out of gas? Is the “big dino” era of supremacy finally coming to an end? These questions will dog the tyrannosaur throughout the off-season if it doesn’t come home with the gold.
The velociraptor. According to some, it is nature’s greatest killing machine. However, like the San Jose Sharks choking in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, it fared extremely poorly in the first Jurassic Park Killcount Showdown. Now, it hungers for redemption and is determined to defeat all comers and claim the title.
Make no mistake, it is definitely a creature to be feared due to its cunning intellect, incredible agility, and razor-sharp claws. But are those strengths enough to put it over the top and forget about the past?
- 6x KILL — The generic InGen guys in the tall grass. As far as quick starts go, this is one for the record books, as the velociraptor ruthlessly demonstrates its hunting prowess, brutal speed, and savage killing power. 6 for 6.
- MISS — Sarah in the compound. Sarah’s backpack takes the brunt of the impact, but that does not excuse the fact that, for whatever reason, the raptor decided to tear at the bag instead of the fleshy bits located only a few inches above the leather and canvas. 6 for 7.
- 3x MISS — Dr. Malcolm in the compound. During the tall grass sequence, the raptors were silent, efficient killers that could pick off a half-dozen men in mere seconds. Why then, during three separate incidents, does a velociraptor pause mere inches from Dr. Malcolm’s face in order to bare its teeth or hiss at him before going for the kill? Showboating has its time and place, but your selfish actions are only putting your team in jeopardy and reflect very poorly on raptor-kind in general. 6 for 10.
- MISS — Kelly, as she attempts to crawl through a hole to the other side of a wall (where there are obviously no dinosaurs). Unfortunately for Kelly, a raptor is lurking on the other side. Fortunately for Kelly, the raptor (being the intelligent creature that it is) is utterly gob-smacked by her stupidity and is ultimately too confused to bite her head clean off when she pokes it out the other side of the wall. 6 for 11.
- 2x MISS — Sarah leaps tries to leap to a rooftop, only to miss and dangle precariously from the edge. Does the raptor chasing her jump directly onto her back and drag her to hell (especially now that her magic raptor-repellent backpack is gone)? No, of course not. It jumps over her so that it can hiss and look menacing. To add insult to injury, the second raptor chasing her from ground level has a piss-poor vertical, because it can’t quite jump high enough to grab her by the drumstick and pull her off the roof. 6 for 13.
- KILL — The crew of the S.S. Venture. While there’s no video evidence, there’s no arguing with the severed limbs scattered around the boat — and the T-Rex sure as hell couldn’t have killed them, what with being locked in the cargo hold and all. There’s no doubt in the mind of the judges that the raptors had a hand in it — it’s just that they didn’t like the look of San Diego and decided to go for a swim before reaching shore. 7 for 14.
FINAL TALLY: 7 for 14 (0.500 killing average).
The velociraptor means business, coming back strong after its disappointing performance on Isla Nublar. Yes, the majority of its kills are just nameless grunts, but they all count in the end. While it scored a plethora of points this year, raptor fans still have to be concerned with the troubling trend of coming up small when the stakes are highest.
A new entrant to the competition, the stegosaurus definitely has the size and strength to make a difference. Its primary weapons are the two pairs of long spikes extending horizontally from the end of its tail, and it also boasts a double row of kite-shaped plates along its back for defensive support.
However, it has a tiny head, which means it has an even tinier brain — is the stegosaurus capable of forming a winning gameplan? Or will it come up short?
- MISS — Dr. Malcolm and the group when they first arrive on the island. Despite being within tail-whipping range, the stegosaurs ignore all of their ingrained dinosaurian instincts by walking right past the humans without batting an eye. Wimps. 0 for 1.
- MISS — Sarah, as she examines the baby stegosaurus. A severed pinky finger wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility here, but the baby stego didn’t even snap at her once. Come on, man, stand up for yourself! 0 for 2.
- MISS — Sarah, after examining the baby stegosaurus. Angry at such a blatant example of child molestation, the adult stegosaurs finally remember that they’re freakin’ dinosaurs and try to attack Sarah. However, they get tired and call off the chase after a single swing of the tail. Suck it up, boys, this is a competition! We need to see more effort than that! 0 for 3.
FINAL TALLY: 0 for 3 (0.000 killing average).
It tried valiantly (once, anyway), but the stegosaurus just couldn’t cut the mustard in this year’s competition. While it has the tools, the big dinosaur lacks the brains required to shine when the spotlight glares its brightest. Better luck next time.
Suffering from illness during the previous competition, the triceratops never really got a fair shake at proving itself worthy of the hunt. Completely recovered and raring to go, the triceratops should not be taken lightly, as it brings to the table a surprisingly sharp beak and ferocious triple-pronged assault capabilities — not too mention its massive bulk, which is damn near unstoppable once in full flight.
Now that it’s at 100 percent, can the triceratops make up for the disappointing performance on Isla Nublar? Or will it once again hang its frill in shame?
- 1/2 KILL — The InGen basecamp. Locked up in a cage for most of the tournament, it seems that the triceratops just can’t catch a break. Once released from the shackles of oppression, however, the triceratops goes on a berserker rampage, putting the phrase “bull in a china shop” to shame. While it didn’t wound anybody, it did cause a significant amount of destruction in a very short period of time (including completely obliterating the InGen satellite), which is worthy of a half-point in our eyes. 0.5 for 1.
FINAL TALLY: 0.5 for 1 (0.500 killing average).
Well, the triceratops finally got a chance to make things happen, and the judges were definitely impressed. While its technique can only be described and uncontrollable and reckless, there’s no doubt that the triceratops is capable of delivering massive damage. However, with no legit kills to its credit, it can’t be considered a true contender — yet.
Another new challenger approaches! The pachycephalosaurus, meaning “thick-headed lizard”, features a large, bony dome on top of its skull — up to 10 inches of solid bone. It can use this built-in helmet like a battering ram to knock its foes to the ground when the going gets rough.
What sort of an impact will the pachy make during its debut? Will it continue the legacy of sucktitude associated with herbivores, or will it use its distinct weaponry to carve out a new niche?
- 1/2 KILL — Generic InGen grunt. When the InGen poachers are rounding up the dinosaurs, the pachy proves to be a harder catch then anticipated. During the struggle, it delivers a devastating headbutt to the side of a car, sending the man inside flying out the window on the other side. While it’s doubtful the man died, he probably suffered serious blunt trauma, plus the car will definitely need a trip to the repair shop, which makes this attack partially successful. 0.5 for 1.
- MISS — The InGen basecamp. Nick and Sarah have freed the dinosaurs, and during the ensuing chaos … the pachycephalosaurus does dick all. Instead of headbutting the nearest sucka to death, or at least taking a cue from the triceratops and smashing shit to pieces, the pachy just runs away. Weak. 0.5 for 2.
FINAL TALLY: 0.5 for 2 (0.250 killing average).
There’s potential there, and while we caught glimpses of what the pachy is capable of, it ultimately needs more experience if it wants to be able to score consistent points in this type of competition. We look forward to seeing how it progress in the future.
Finally, we come to the parasaurolophus, a docile herbivore known for its distinct long crest on the top of its skull.
Included in this competition primarily for the sake of posterity, these guys are the New York Islanders of Jurassic Park — they have no hope in hell of winning and mostly just happy to be there.
- MISS — InGen poachers. When InGen first arrives on the island, they cause a massive stampede involving all of the hippy vegetarian species on the island. Unlike the pachycephalosaurus, which at least goes down swinging, the parasaurs just run away like the cowards they are. It had its chances — I mean, how hard can it be for a two-tonne animal to knock down a dude on a motorcycle? — but the parasaurolophus chooses not to engage the enemy. For shame. 0 for 1.
- MISS — More InGen poachers. When captured, the parasaurolophus puts up a meek struggle, gently lifting a couple of wranglers off the ground for a couple of seconds before surrendering. It could have swung them around violently or trampled them or something, but it didn’t, because he’s a coward and a disgrace to dinosaurs everywhere. 0 for 2.
- MISS — InGen basecamp. During the escape sequence, the parasaur runs away with its tail between its legs instead of trying to exact some measure of revenge on its captors. Seriously, what a useless sack of meat. No wonder you went extinct! 0 for 3.
FINAL TALLY: 0 for 3 (0.000 killing average).
A pathetic display of supreme patheticosity, these dinosaurs should be truly ashamed of themselves. An absolutely travesty, to say the least, and here’s hoping that these losers are banned from future competitions.
The results are in! The winner, and new heavyweight champion of the (lost) world …
Yes, technically, the velociraptor tied with the compsognathus for the best killing percentage of all of the dinosaurs on Isla Sorna (barely edging out the defending champion, the tyrannosaurus). However, in a tie-breaking scenario, victory is awarded to the creature with the most number and highest quality of kills — and in this case, that is most definitely the velociraptor. Butchering several people in tall grass is worth much more than a single Peter Stormare, no matter how charismatic the guy is.
Congratulations, velociraptor! You have restored honour to your species and brought smiles to millions of adoring fans around the world! But can you do what the T-Rex could not and defend your title in the next competition? We shall see …