The Jurassic Park III Dinosaur Killcount Showdown

Hey! If you missed the first two installments of the Dinosaur Killcount Showdown, you can find ’em right here: Jurassic Park (won by the tyrannosaurus) and The Lost World: Jurassic Park (which saw the velociraptor claim victory).

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The Scene: Isla Sorna, Costa Rica. We once again travel to the infamous InGen Site B, now a protected wildlife preserve administered by the Costa Rican government.

The Participants: A bunch of awesome dinosaurs and a few idiot humans who are seemingly impervious to destruction.

The Question: Which dinosaur from Jurassic Park III is truly the most effective prehistoric killing machine?

The Methodology: Each encounter (defined as “an edible foe being easily within reach”) will be scored as either a “KILL” or a “MISS” by our panel of judges. Half-points may be awarded for effort or merit, where applicable. Final scores for each prehistoric creature will be tabulated in a manner similar to a batting average in baseball, with additional adjudicator commentary as required.

Allez cuisine!

Tyrannosaurus

Come on, I'm tryin' to eat here!

The mighty tyrannosaurus is always a threat to take home the title, and make no mistake, the former champ is looking to get back to the top of the mountain after a somewhat disappointing outing in the previous tournament.

Its brute strength has worked to its advantage in the past, and you certainly can’t ignore its massive serrated teeth and powerful crushing jaws. But will those weapons be enough to fend off a whole new batch of challengers in what is sure to be a highly competitive event?

• MISS — Dr. Grant as he interrupts the T-Rex’s dinner. To be fair, the tyrannosaurus probably wasn’t expecting to be pestered in the middle of a big meal, but that doesn’t excuse the fact that it simply let Grant and the others run away instead of doing what anybody would do when they’re bothered during dinner — chewing them out (in this case, literally). 0 for 1.
• MISS — The spinosaurus. Enraged at the intruder coming into its territory, the T-Rex attacks the spinosaurus and nearly emerges victorious. Its powerful jaws were wrapped around the invader’s scrawny neck, but it appears that age has finally caught up to the T-Rex, as it was unable to finish the job. Has the former champ lost its edge, its fighting spirit? 0 for 2.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 2 (0.000 killing average).
Truly a sad fall from grace for the former king of all dinosaurs. With no kills to its name, the tyrannosaurus fared no better than many of the lame herbivores it once feasted on. Could retirement be in the cards for Big Rex?

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Velociraptor

Do you like my new hat? I like my new hat.

The defending champ from The Lost World, the velociraptor is back and it’s looking to register a much more decisive victory than last time, which saw it go to a tie-breaker against the diminutive compsognathus. Indeed, the raptor is determined to run away with this competition and prove to all the naysayers that last year’s title was not a fluke.

Everybody knows about its outstanding agility and razor sharp claws, but our panel of experts are saying that this edition of the raptor is smarter and more cunning than ever before. Can brains prevail over brawn once again?

• MISS — Amanda in the laboratory. Perhaps wanting to demonstrate its intellect to the rest of the field, the raptor tries to play mindgames with the woman, “hiding” in plain sight by pretending to be a test tube speciment. Clever? Yes. Practical? No. I can understand wanting to give the woman a sporting chance, but come on, points are at stake! Just jump out and destroy her before she see you! 0 for 1.
• KILL — Udesky in the forest. This guy stood no chance whatsoever and the raptors knew it, deciding to play with him for a while before putting him out of his misery. 1 for 2.
• MISS — Amanda as she dangles precariously from a tree. Again, aren’t you guys supposed to be able to jump really high? And if you’re so smart, why didn’t one of the raptors simply use the other as a springboard to get to her? This lack of effort is not impressing the judges. 1 for 3.
• 2x MISS — Dr. Grant, surrounded by four raptors. The very definition of “epic fail”, folks, as the raptors have Grant completely at their mercy. Do they attack as a pack from multiple angles, ensuring the kill? Of course not! Instead, they pose and taunt and hiss at him for about an hour until he’s saved by a little wiener boy with gas grenades. Multiple points are deducted for the sheer ineptitude of it all. 1 for 5.
• 2x MISS — Dr. Grant and his posse, this time surrounded by five raptors. No, this isn’t an instant replay of the previous scenario (not that instant replay is allowed in this league, anyway) — but it is one more example of the lackadaisical attitude that is dooming the raptor’s chances of repeating as champion. 1 for 7.
• MISS — Amanda as she hands over the eggs. The lead raptor gets right in her grill, face to face like two UFC fighters before the main event. Instead of chomping on her skull, however, the raptor gives her some sort of prehistoric eskimo kiss before running away into the forest. Seriously, are you idiots even trying any more? 1 for 8.

FINAL TALLY: 1 for 8 (0.125 killing average).
My, how the mighty have fallen. Once an unstoppable killing machine, it appears as though the velociraptor might not be able to defend its title after putting up some rather pathetic numbers this time around. But which dinosaur will takes its place at the top of the mountain?

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Spinosaurus

Maybe if you had better posture you wouldn't have that hump.

A highly-touted prospect from the Jurassic Park Developmental League, this nasty up-and-comer is determined to make a name for itself in its big league debut. But does this behemoth have what it takes to compete with the big boys of Isla Sorna?

Without any professional experience, it’s hard to say what exactly the spinosaurus will bring to the table. We do know that it possesses some very different tools than the competition, including a long crocodilian snout, an insanely huge frame (up to 18 metres in length, making it larger than the T-Rex and perhaps even the largest carnivorous dinosaur to ever walk the planet), and long, sharp claws on its forelimbs, which are considerably more dexterous than those found on the tyrannosaurus.

The question is, can it make the most out these impressive implements of destruction when the pressure is on?

• KILL — Cooper as he is trying to catch the plane. Nice work on getting the blood to splatter on the plane’s windshield — a very good first impression for the rookie dinosaur. 1 for 1.
• KILL — Nash, the plane’s pilot. Using its narrow snout to its advantage, the spinosaur is able to easily reach into the wrecked plane and pull the puny human to his doom. So far so good. 2 for 2.
• MISS — The rest of the people trapped in the plane. Hey, all rookies are bound to get the jitters now and then. It’s understandable. Still, these points were practically gift-wrapped for the spinosaurus, as the people were trapped in the wrecked fuselage of the plane like a can of delicious sardines. 2 for 3.
• KILL — The tyrannosaurus. The rising contender puts the former champ out to pasture with a thrilling come-from-behind knockout victory — except replace the word “knockout” with “neck snap” and “victory” with “mercy killing”. 3 for 4.
• MISS — Dr. Grant and Eric, the little wiener kid. The spinosaur has Grant and the boy trapped with their backs literally against the wall, but it is unable to finish the job as they escape through an extraordinarily convenient human-sized hole in the fence. A disappointing turn of event, to be sure … 3 for 5.
• MISS — … Until the spinosaurus smashes down the fence and continues to chase! Now that’s showing some heart! A true passion for the game! This kid could go places with this kind of attitude. Unfortunately, the humans escape into a building and lock the door, which apparently cannot be smashed down even with nine tonnes of accelerated mass on your side. Those are the breaks, though. 3 for 6.
• MISS — The people on the boat. Sneaking up on the boat from under the water, and then rising up and causing it to capsize? An excellent plan, but the execution was severely lacking, especially in the “capsizing the boat” department. If you’re not going to use your size to your advantage, its working to your disadvantage. 3 for 7.
• MISS — Amanda, trapped underwater inside a cage. Come on, it’s like shooting fish in a barrel here — all you have to do is reach inside the cage, wraps your claws around her, pull her out, place her in your mouth, and swallow. Unfortunately, the spinosaur suffered a severe brain cramp and stopped at step two, apparently forgetting the rest of the set play. Typical rookie mistake. 3 for 8.
• MISS — Paul Kirby, dangling from a crane. It appears as though the scouts missed the spinosaur’s most glaring weakness — a lack of conditioning. Perhaps as it matures it’ll get into better shape, but there’s no excusing the rookie’s lack of effort during the late stages of the game. I mean, you’re inches away from the dude’s feet — suck it up and finish the job! 3 for 9.

FINAL TALLY: 3 for 9 (0.333 killing average).
The spinosaurus started the season on a very strong note, but at this stage of its career, it clearly lacks the mental aspect of the game that is the hallmark of a true champion. But with the previous winners choking harder than the Sens and the Sharks combined, the spinosaurus could still pull off an upset go deep into the tournament.

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Pteranodon

Dramatic pteranodon.

Another new entrant to the tournament, the pteranodon is perhaps the most unusual dinosaur to ever compete in this event. First and foremost, it can fly, which gives it a rather distinct advantage over the rest of the field. In addition, its long beak is useful for delivering vicious rapid-fire strikes that, while not killing blows due to the lack of teeth, are still capable of dishing out incredible damage.

Some critics will say that its smaller size and relative lack of weaponry compared to some of the more established veterans will hurt the pteranodon’s chances — but this unique competitor is bound to turn some heads no matter what happens on the field.

• KILL — The boat crew. Critics could debate this point, as the kill is never actually witnessed. However, the damage done to the boat, as well as the bones seen in the pteranodon nest, provide more than enough evidence in the eyes of the judges. 1 for 1.
• MISS — Eric as he crosses the bridge. An opportunistic pteranodon clutches the kid in his talons and flies off into the sunset. But instead of soaring really high and dropping Eric on a bunch of pointy rocks, or even pecking his eyes out as a mid-flight snack, the pteranodon simply gives him a first-class flight back to its nest. While that would score points for customer service, a kill it most certainly is not. 1 for 2.
• MISS — Eric in the nest. The baby pteranodons try their damnedest, but they prove incapable of bringing down a young boy. This is rather odd, considering that the much smaller compsognathus was capable of killing Peter Stormare in The Lost World. Clearly, the pteranodon’s youth and inexperience worked against it here. 1 for 3.
• MISS — Grant, Amanda, and Paul on the walkway. With the humans trapped on the rickety walkway, the pteranodon slowly batwalks toward them … and then falls into the water when the whole thing collapses, proving that slow and steady doesn’t win this race. Pteranodon supporters will undoubtedly point that it had no room to fly, and while this may be true, you gotta be prepared to play the game under any conditions — and this pteranodon was not. 1 for 4.
• MISS — Billy in the paraglider. In what should be an easy target, the pteranodon — which can, you know, actually fly — somehow fails to take down Billy, who is lazily gliding through the air on a dead guy’s parachute. While the pteranodon does manage to clip the paraglider, its unwillingness to go hard into the corners and grind out a victory could cost it in the long run. 1 for 5.
• MISS — Billy in the river. With Billy flailing around in the water, a pteranodon swoops down and grabs him in its talons. Unfortunately, it lacks the explosive strength that is need to succeed in this type of situation. The pteranodon is unable to maintain its grip on its prey and Billy falls back into the river. 1 for 6.
• 1/2 KILL — Billy in the river, part deux. With the clock winding down, the pteranodons smartly abandon the “grasp and fly” technique and simply start pecking the living hell out of Billy as he is swept downriver. It initially seems like the pteranodons emerge victorious in this encounter, but it is later revealed that Billy somehow, against all logical odds, escaped with his life. However, since he was covered in numerous bloody bandages, that will count for a partial kill in the eyes of the judges. 1.5 for 7.
  

FINAL TALLY: 1.5 for 7 (0.214 killing average).
In what is the year of the dark horse (or dark dino, if you will), another upstart newcomer has scored more points than both of the previous champions. While the pteranodon could not quite match the output of the spinosaurus, the “scourge of the skies” definitely made quite an impression on our panel, which looks forward to seeing what the pteranodon can do in future competitions.

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Ceratosaurus

I promised not to use a "me so horny" joke here.

Yet another newcomer to the Jurassic Park roster, the ceratosaurus certainly has the tools to make a difference in this tournament. Utilizing the classic theropod look (large powerful jaws, razor sharp teeth, and pathetic little forelimbs), the ceratosaurus is very much like a T-Rex — albeit on a much smaller scale (at about 20 feet long, it would be half the size of the tyrannosaur). Still, emulating a former champ, regardless of scale, is never a bad idea.

The ceratosaurus does have one major distinction over its larger brethren — a blade-like horn on its snout, proving that nasal protrusions is not solely the domain of the herbivore. Whether it can use this horn to its advantage remains to be seen.

• MISS — Grant, Amanda, and Paul as they dig through dino shit. In an unexpected turn of events, the ceratosaurus stumbles upon the group of humans while they are elbow-deep in spinosaur droppings, attempting to find a digested phone. In what should have been the perfect time to strike, the ceratosaurus refuses to get its nose dirty and take one for the team, instead opting to turn tail and run from the smelly, gross people. Question — if it doesn’t like the smell of shit, why was it lurking near the steaming piles in the first place? This blatant lack of heart won’t win over many fans, that’s for sure. 0 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
It coulda been a contender, but the ceratosaurs simply didn’t have the will to get the job done. You simply can’t teach heart, kids — you either got it or you don’t. Hey, maybe the ceratosaurus will learn from this experience and come out ready to compete next time … or maybe it won’t. Either way, the judges definitely did not see the full potential of the ceratosaurus during this event and are hoping for a much better showing next time.

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Corythosaurus / Parasaurolophus

Running away is the only tactic these guys know.

A tag team entrant, this herbivore duo (characterized by their distinct cranial decorations) is looking to reverse the overwhelming trend of grass-eater ineptitude and finally score some points for Team Green.

History, of course, is very much against the hopes of the corythosaurus and parasaurolophus. Will it continue the legacy of herbivorous letdowns? Probably, but the judges have to look at all the entrants equally, regardless of whether or not they actually have a chance to win the competition.

• 2x MISS — The stampede sequence. Despite outweighing the puny humans by several tonnes, these herbivore suckjobs seemingly go out of their way to avoid running over any of the fleshy primates. Seriously, there are raptors behind you and people in front of you — why not just trample them and be done with it? Is that too much to ask? It’s survival of the fittest after all. Remarkably, one of the corythosaurs actually hits Udesky, but naturally it’s just a grazing blow that sends the man to the ground in comedic fashion. 0 for 2.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 2 (0.000 killing average).
The judges weren’t expecting much, but this was outright terrible. Despite having several very real, tangible possibilities to score points, the corythosaurus and parasaurolophus came up lame. Let it be known that the Costa Rican Athletic Commission is looking into the possible bannination of these numbskulls from future competitions — and not because its looking out for the safety of the humans.

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Brachiosaurus

Durr ... we're dinosaurs!

An absolute monster of a dinosaur (measuring in at 25 feet long, 43 feet tall, and weighing 78 tonnes), the brachiosaurus could probably clean up the competition if it could just put its minuscule brain to the task. Armed with a whip-like tail and staggering size, the brachiosaurus could undoubtedly do some damage — but alas, like some sort of prehistoric cow, it never does.

Hardly a favourite to win the competition (or even score any points, for the matter), the brachiosaurus is simply hoping to to embarrass itself too badly.

• MISS — The humans as they drift down the river. Intrigued by the potential to maybe score points and make their parents proud, a group of brachiosaurs come to the river’s edge to see what’s going on. Instead of crushing the people like the bugs they are, the dinos just lean over and make stupid faces at them. Idiots. 0 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
No comment. Well, apart from this: “Hey brachiosaurus, you suck!”

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The results are in! The winner, and new heavyweight champion of the (lost) world …

Congratulations! You still look stupid, though.

The Spinosaurus!

While a 0.333 average might be really good in baseball, it’s actually the worst ever showing for a champion in Jurassic Park history. What does this say about the spinosaurus? And more importantly, what does it say about the level of competition? Our analysts see this as a transition year, where the older champions have clearly lost their touch, but the new breed of dinosaurs coming up to replace them haven’t quite mastered their skills yet. As a result, nobody really stands out and it only takes a couple of big points to rise above the rest of the mediocrity.

Still, newcomers such as the spinosaurus and pteranodon laid some interesting groundwork to build upon for future tournaments — if there are any, of course. Dinosaurs in New York? Dinosaurs in Space? Time will tell, friends. Time will tell.

The Lost World Dinosaur Killcount Showdown

The Scene: Isla Sorna, Costa Rica. In particular, InGen Site B — the breeding ground /research facility for the dinosaurs that would ultimately end up at the infamous Jurassic Park.

The Participants: A bunch of awesome dinosaurs and dozens of tasty people (albeit mostly of the generic variety).

The Question: Which dinosaur from The Lost World is truly the most effective prehistoric killing machine?

The Methodology: Each encounter (defined as “an edible foe being easily within reach”) will be scored as either a “KILL” or a “MISS” by our panel of judges. Half-points may be awarded for effort or merit, where applicable. Final scores for each prehistoric creature will be tabulated in a manner similar to a batting average in baseball, with additional adjudicator commentary as required.

Allez cuisine!

Compsognathus

Isn't he adorable?

An curious little creature that is just slightly larger than a chicken, compsognathus can hardly be considered an intimidating foe. While widely thought to be nothing more than a jackal-esque scavenger, it is a viciously aggressive little bastard that travels in packs, meaning that when it does hunt, it has overwhelming numbers on its side.

Its critics maintain that its puny size makes it ill-equipped for a tournament of this nature, but many supporters believe that the compy’s quickness and strength in numbers can triumph over its diminutive stature. So, just how effective of a killing machine was compsognathus?

• 1/2 KILL — Cathy, the spoiled little rich girl on the beach. While a mere child should be no match for a freakin’ dinosaur, the compy starts the competition on the wrong foot by merely wounding the girl instead of completely devouring her. Partial credit for inflicting injury shall be awarded, however. 0.5 for 1.
• MISS — Dieter in the forest. Proving to be braver beyond its size, a single compsognathus gets up close and personal with the dude that always gets cast in movies when you need a generic Russian or Swede or German. Unfortunately, it just stands there like an idiot until it gets zapped by Dieter’s cattle prod. Uh, you’re doing it wrong. 0.5 for 2.
• KILL — Dieter in the forest, part II — The Revenge. While it was extended struggle, it must be noted that the compy does not possess the one-hit killing power of its larger brethren. As such, there shall be no deductions or penalties as a result of not immediately killing Dieter the first time he is jumped by the pack. 1.5 for 3.

FINAL TALLY: 1.5 for 3 (0.500 killing average).
Emphasizing teamwork over individual glory, the compsognathus has proven itself to be an adapt warrior capable of taking down prey several times its size. While it needs to work on its consistency, there’s no reason to believe that this “little dino that could” won’t make a big name for itself in this legendary sport.

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Tyrannosaurus

If you close the blinds, he can't see you. True story.

The reigning heavyweight champion of Jurassic Park, the mighty tyrannosaur is eager to defend its title. While it still brings incredible size, massive serrated teeth, and brutally powerful jaws to the competition, like any good champion, it knows that it can’t simply rest on its laurels and hope to emerge victorious once again. That’s why the tyrannosaurus comes to this year’s event with a nasty new parental defensive instinct and a pimped-out sense of smell — perhaps the best olfactory senses this side of the turkey vulture.

While it still has the same glaring weaknesses as before, including useless forelimbs and poor eyesight, they sure as hell didn’t stop the T-Rex from taking the title before. But that was on Isla Nublar — how well will it fare on Isla Sorna?

• MISS — Nick and Sarah as they carry the wounded baby tyrannosaur back to the trailer. Yes, we understand that it was injured, but in this type of competition, you have to be able to play through the pain. Instead of crying like a little bitch, how about you try clawing or scratching or biting at the stupid humans as they kidnap you? Just a thought. 0 for 1.
• MISS — Sarah outside the trailer. After putting a cast on the broken leg of the Baby Rex, Sarah opens up the trailer door and places the infant at the feet of its parents, who are just standing there politely at the door like a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Come on, the chick is right there under your nose! Devour her! Could the T-Rex already be choking under the pressure of defending its title? 0 for 2.
• 1/2 KILL — The car and the trailer. Realizing how badly it screwed up, the T-Rex goes apeshit (dinoshit?) on an assortment of vehicles. While they can’t be scored as kills (since a car is not alive, of course), a half-point is awarded for mass destruction. 0.5 for 3.
• KILL — Eddie in the car. Putting the shame of not being able to eat Tim and Lex behind, the tyrannosaur finally snacks on somebody inside a vehicle … and it tastes good. 1.5 for 4.
• MISS — Sarah and Kelly in the tent. Demonstrating its awesome dino-ninja capabilities, the tyrannosaur somehow sneaks into the human camp unnoticed and pokes its head into the ladies’ tent. While Kelly makes a bunch of noise and squirms around, undoubtedly drawing attention to herself, the T-Rex is apparently not a fan of dark meat and decides not to put the child out of her misery. 1.5 for 5.
• KILL — Some generic InGen grunt during the chase sequence. While the T-Rex prefers the taste of blood on the tip of its tongue, it’s not averse to just squashing some poor bugger under its massive feet when the opportunity arises. 2.5 for 6.
• MISS — Everybody else during the chase sequence. The T-Rex can run nearly as fast as a moving vehicle — this fact has been established on several occasions. So why can’t it chase down a disorganized mob of half-asleep people who are very slowly fleeing for their lives? Pundits are already questioning as to whether the tyrannosaur let its cardio slip during the off-season. 2.5 for 7.
• KILL — Dr. Burke in the waterfall, who decided that a snake was more of a threat than a pissed-off dinosaur. Bad move, buddy. 3.5 for 8.
• MISS — Everybody else in the waterfall. The tyrannosaur could taste victory — literally — but it couldn’t push itself (or at the very least, its tongue) those last few inches to finish the job. Plus, it was completely oblivious to the location of Dr. Malcolm, who must have been riding on the dinosaur’s back based on how quickly he got into the waterfall once the T-Rex pulled its head out of the cave. 3.5 for 9.
• MISS — The police officers and security guards fleeing from the boat. The tyrannosaur half-heartedly lunges at one of them, but the officer dives off the dock and into the water just before the T-Rex can get its jaws around him. Close, but no cigar. 3.5 for 10.
• KILL — The family dog. Yeah, it’s an easy kill, but at this point, the defending champ will take any points it can get. 4.5 for 11.
• 1/2 KILL — The bus and its passengers. Frustrated with the way the game is going, the T-Rex smashes the hell out of a city bus. As an unexpected bonus, when it rams the side of the vehicle, several people go flying through the windows, undoubtedly causing numerous lacerations and broken bones. While the full extent of the casualties is unknown, this type of damage is easily worth a half-point. 5 for 12.
• MISS — The rest of the people in the city. While the T-Rex can clearly run as fast as bus when he wants to, a stampede of terrified people once again proves to be too much for the big dinosaur to handle. Perhaps too much motion is overloading its tiny little brain? 5 for 13.
• KILL — The unlucky bastard in front of the store. Tired of chasing people around the block, the T-Rex goes for the easy kill by scarfing down some schmuck who thought running into a wall would be a good escape route. 6 for 14.
• KILL — Peter Ludlow, the nephew of John Hammond, in the boat. A truly touching moment in the history of parenthood as Big Rex lets Baby Rex finish the job. 7 for 15.

FINAL TALLY: 7 for 15 (0.467 killing average).
While the T-Rex still put up some impressive numbers, scoring a total of seven points, it doesn’t come close to reaching the impressive 0.600 average that it scored on Isla Nublar. At some points, it looked as though Big Rex’s heart simply wasn’t in it. Has the champ run out of gas? Is the “big dino” era of supremacy finally coming to an end? These questions will dog the tyrannosaur throughout the off-season if it doesn’t come home with the gold.

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Velociraptor

Clever girl.

The velociraptor. According to some, it is nature’s greatest killing machine. However, like the San Jose Sharks choking in the Stanley Cup Playoffs, it fared extremely poorly in the first Jurassic Park Killcount Showdown. Now, it hungers for redemption and is determined to defeat all comers and claim the title.

Make no mistake, it is definitely a creature to be feared due to its cunning intellect, incredible agility, and razor-sharp claws. But are those strengths enough to put it over the top and forget about the past?

• 6x KILL — The generic InGen guys in the tall grass. As far as quick starts go, this is one for the record books, as the velociraptor ruthlessly demonstrates its hunting prowess, brutal speed, and savage killing power. 6 for 6.
• MISS — Sarah in the compound. Sarah’s backpack takes the brunt of the impact, but that does not excuse the fact that, for whatever reason, the raptor decided to tear at the bag instead of the fleshy bits located only a few inches above the leather and canvas. 6 for 7.
• 3x MISS — Dr. Malcolm in the compound. During the tall grass sequence, the raptors were silent, efficient killers that could pick off a half-dozen men in mere seconds. Why then, during three separate incidents, does a velociraptor pause mere inches from Dr. Malcolm’s face in order to bare its teeth or hiss at him before going for the kill? Showboating has its time and place, but your selfish actions are only putting your team in jeopardy and reflect very poorly on raptor-kind in general. 6 for 10.
• MISS — Kelly, as she attempts to crawl through a hole to the other side of a wall (where there are obviously no dinosaurs). Unfortunately for Kelly, a raptor is lurking on the other side. Fortunately for Kelly, the raptor (being the intelligent creature that it is) is utterly gob-smacked by her stupidity and is ultimately too confused to bite her head clean off when she pokes it out the other side of the wall. 6 for 11.
• 2x MISS — Sarah leaps tries to leap to a rooftop, only to miss and dangle precariously from the edge. Does the raptor chasing her jump directly onto her back and drag her to hell (especially now that her magic raptor-repellent backpack is gone)? No, of course not. It jumps over her so that it can hiss and look menacing. To add insult to injury, the second raptor chasing her from ground level has a piss-poor vertical, because it can’t quite jump high enough to grab her by the drumstick and pull her off the roof. 6 for 13.
• KILL — The crew of the S.S. Venture. While there’s no video evidence, there’s no arguing with the severed limbs scattered around the boat — and the T-Rex sure as hell couldn’t have killed them, what with being locked in the cargo hold and all. There’s no doubt in the mind of the judges that the raptors had a hand in it — it’s just that they didn’t like the look of San Diego and decided to go for a swim before reaching shore. 7 for 14.

FINAL TALLY: 7 for 14 (0.500 killing average).
The velociraptor means business, coming back strong after its disappointing performance on Isla Nublar. Yes, the majority of its kills are just nameless grunts, but they all count in the end. While it scored a plethora of points this year, raptor fans still have to be concerned with the troubling trend of coming up small when the stakes are highest.

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Stegosaurus

Rumour has it that he's got a brain the size of a walnut.

A new entrant to the competition, the stegosaurus definitely has the size and strength to make a difference. Its primary weapons are the two pairs of long spikes extending horizontally from the end of its tail, and it also boasts a double row of kite-shaped plates along its back for defensive support.

However, it has a tiny head, which means it has an even tinier brain — is the stegosaurus capable of forming a winning gameplan? Or will it come up short?

• MISS — Dr. Malcolm and the group when they first arrive on the island. Despite being within tail-whipping range, the stegosaurs ignore all of their ingrained dinosaurian instincts by walking right past the humans without batting an eye. Wimps. 0 for 1.
• MISS — Sarah, as she examines the baby stegosaurus. A severed pinky finger wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility here, but the baby stego didn’t even snap at her once. Come on, man, stand up for yourself! 0 for 2.
• MISS — Sarah, after examining the baby stegosaurus. Angry at such a blatant example of child molestation, the adult stegosaurs finally remember that they’re freakin’ dinosaurs and try to attack Sarah. However, they get tired and call off the chase after a single swing of the tail. Suck it up, boys, this is a competition! We need to see more effort than that! 0 for 3.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 3 (0.000 killing average).
It tried valiantly (once, anyway), but the stegosaurus just couldn’t cut the mustard in this year’s competition. While it has the tools, the big dinosaur lacks the brains required to shine when the spotlight glares its brightest. Better luck next time.

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Triceratops

Triceratops smash!

Suffering from illness during the previous competition, the triceratops never really got a fair shake at proving itself worthy of the hunt. Completely recovered and raring to go, the triceratops should not be taken lightly, as it brings to the table a surprisingly sharp beak and ferocious triple-pronged assault capabilities — not too mention its massive bulk, which is damn near unstoppable once in full flight.

Now that it’s at 100 percent, can the triceratops make up for the disappointing performance on Isla Nublar? Or will it once again hang its frill in shame?

• 1/2 KILL — The InGen basecamp. Locked up in a cage for most of the tournament, it seems that the triceratops just can’t catch a break. Once released from the shackles of oppression, however, the triceratops goes on a berserker rampage, putting the phrase “bull in a china shop” to shame. While it didn’t wound anybody, it did cause a significant amount of destruction in a very short period of time (including completely obliterating the InGen satellite), which is worthy of a half-point in our eyes. 0.5 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 0.5 for 1 (0.500 killing average).
Well, the triceratops finally got a chance to make things happen, and the judges were definitely impressed. While its technique can only be described and uncontrollable and reckless, there’s no doubt that the triceratops is capable of delivering massive damage. However, with no legit kills to its credit, it can’t be considered a true contender — yet.

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Pachycephalosaurus

The always popular "Friar Tuck" look.

Another new challenger approaches! The pachycephalosaurus, meaning “thick-headed lizard”, features a large, bony dome on top of its skull — up to 10 inches of solid bone. It can use this built-in helmet like a battering ram to knock its foes to the ground when the going gets rough.

What sort of an impact will the pachy make during its debut? Will it continue the legacy of sucktitude associated with herbivores, or will it use its distinct weaponry to carve out a new niche?

• 1/2 KILL — Generic InGen grunt. When the InGen poachers are rounding up the dinosaurs, the pachy proves to be a harder catch then anticipated. During the struggle, it delivers a devastating headbutt to the side of a car, sending the man inside flying out the window on the other side. While it’s doubtful the man died, he probably suffered serious blunt trauma, plus the car will definitely need a trip to the repair shop, which makes this attack partially successful. 0.5 for 1.
• MISS — The InGen basecamp. Nick and Sarah have freed the dinosaurs, and during the ensuing chaos … the pachycephalosaurus does dick all. Instead of headbutting the nearest sucka to death, or at least taking a cue from the triceratops and smashing shit to pieces, the pachy just runs away. Weak. 0.5 for 2.

FINAL TALLY: 0.5 for 2 (0.250 killing average).
There’s potential there, and while we caught glimpses of what the pachy is capable of, it ultimately needs more experience if it wants to be able to score consistent points in this type of competition. We look forward to seeing how it progress in the future.

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Parasaurolophus

Coward!

Finally, we come to the parasaurolophus, a docile herbivore known for its distinct long crest on the top of its skull.

Included in this competition primarily for the sake of posterity, these guys are the New York Islanders of Jurassic Park — they have no hope in hell of winning and mostly just happy to be there.

• MISS — InGen poachers. When InGen first arrives on the island, they cause a massive stampede involving all of the hippy vegetarian species on the island. Unlike the pachycephalosaurus, which at least goes down swinging, the parasaurs just run away like the cowards they are. It had its chances — I mean, how hard can it be for a two-tonne animal to knock down a dude on a motorcycle? — but the parasaurolophus chooses not to engage the enemy. For shame. 0 for 1.
• MISS — More InGen poachers. When captured, the parasaurolophus puts up a meek struggle, gently lifting a couple of wranglers off the ground for a couple of seconds before surrendering. It could have swung them around violently or trampled them or something, but it didn’t, because he’s a coward and a disgrace to dinosaurs everywhere. 0 for 2.
• MISS — InGen basecamp. During the escape sequence, the parasaur runs away with its tail between its legs instead of trying to exact some measure of revenge on its captors. Seriously, what a useless sack of meat. No wonder you went extinct! 0 for 3.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 3 (0.000 killing average).
A pathetic display of supreme patheticosity, these dinosaurs should be truly ashamed of themselves. An absolutely travesty, to say the least, and here’s hoping that these losers are banned from future competitions.

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The results are in! The winner, and new heavyweight champion of the (lost) world …

Yes, you're scary, we know. Just eat the guy already!

The Velociraptor!

Yes, technically, the velociraptor tied with the compsognathus for the best killing percentage of all of the dinosaurs on Isla Sorna (barely edging out the defending champion, the tyrannosaurus). However, in a tie-breaking scenario, victory is awarded to the creature with the most number and highest quality of kills — and in this case, that is most definitely the velociraptor. Butchering several people in tall grass is worth much more than a single Peter Stormare, no matter how charismatic the guy is.

Congratulations, velociraptor! You have restored honour to your species and brought smiles to millions of adoring fans around the world! But can you do what the T-Rex could not and defend your title in the next competition? We shall see …

The Jurassic Park Dinosaur Killcount Showdown

The Scene: Isla Nublar, Costa Rica. In particular, Jurassic Park — a specialized theme resort created by John Hammond and the good folks at InGen.

The Participants: A bunch of awesome dinosaurs, some weak and pitiful humans, and a couple of lame farm animals.

The Question: Which dinosaur is truly the most effective bloodthirsty killing machine?

The Methodology: Each encounter (defined as “an edible foe being easily within reach”) will be scored as either a “KILL” or a “MISS” by our panel of judges. Final scores for each prehistoric creature will be tabulated in a manner similar to a batting average in baseball, with additional adjudicator commentary as required.

Allez cuisine!

Velociraptor

Clever girl ...

What the velociraptor lacks in size, it more than makes up for in speed, agility, and brains. Oh, and that razor sharp claw on the middle toe is a pretty decent weapon, too.

If Dr. Grant is to be believed, the raptor should be considered the deadliest creature in Jurassic Park. But is this truly the case? How does the velociraptor really fare when it’s put to the test?

• KILL — Construction worker loading the raptor into the holding pen. A very good start to the season. 1 for 1.
• MISS — Sure, Muldoon says that they are lethal at eight months, but the baby velociraptor missed a huge opportunity by not lunging for Grant’s jugular or, at the very least, nibbling on his thumb. We’re gonna have to dock marks for the blatant lack of effort and awareness. 1 for 2.
• KILL — The sacrificial cow. Sure, it’s an easy target, but a kill is a kill. 2 for 3.
• KILL — Arnold in the utility shed. Nice touch in leaving the arm for others to discover. Intimidation tactics at their best. 3 for 4.
• KILL — Muldoon. As the saying goes, it’s not the raptor you see, but the one from the side that you never even knew was there. 4 for 5.
• MISS — Sattler in the utility shed. Raptor’s decision to not pursue Sattler could cost the side dearly. 4 for 6.
• 2x MISS — Tim and Lex in the kitchen. What can we say, this was a total team meltdown. Pure clusterfuck. At one point, a raptor walks right beside Tim in order to chase after Lex’s reflection. The other raptor must have an inner ear problem, as he can’t even pounce on Tim as he’s heading straight for a dead end into the freezer. Stupid overgrown turkeys. 4 for 8.
• MISS — Lex dangling her leg from the ductwork. Come on, the book clearly established that you guys can jump much higher than that. Somebody’s been slacking off in practice. 4 for 9.
• MISS — The entire gaggle of protagonists hanging for dear life from the dinosaur skeleton. So where do you jump? Not on top of any of the people, because that would be too easy, right? 4 for 10.
• MISS — Grant standing defenceless in a wide open space beside the wreckage of the skeleton. Come on, you’re like a foot away from him! Don’t just hiss at him, you idiot! Eviscerate him! 4 for 11.

FINAL TALLY: 4 for 11 (0.363 killing average).
Such great potential, but in the end, the raptor couldn’t quite cut the mustard when it mattered the most. Indeed, the velociraptor’s success in this contest closely resembles that of the Ottawa Senators (pick any year, really) — starts off strong, builds momentum, but ultimately craps the bed by the time the playoffs come around. Better luck next time.

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Tyrannosaurus

T-Rex doesn't want to be fed, he wants to hunt!

When you think of Jurassic Park, you probably think of the mighty tyrannosaurus. It’s hulking size, powerful jaws, and massive teeth (as large as railroad spikes) make it an impressive challenger in this competition.

However, the T-Rex has several known weaknesses, including a lack of endurance and its mobility-based vision — if you don’t move, it can’t see you. Will the competition be able to exploit these weaknesses? Or will the tyrannosaurus power his way to victory?

• KILL — The goat. Much like the cow, it’s a bit of a dick move, but when it’s all said and done a kill is a kill. 1 for 1.
• MISS — Lex and Tim trapped in the car. Come on, they’re kids. Easy targets, right? Guess not. 1 for 2.
• 1/2 KILL — Malcolm as he runs like a little bitch. Since the T-Rex critically injures Malcolm, but doesn’t kill him, the judges will award a half-point here. 1.5 for 3.
• KILL — Gennaro in the bathroom. Eating the lawyer clearly proves they’re really not all bad. 2.5 for 4.
• MISS — Lex and Grant beside the car. Okay, we can understand not killing them when they’re not moving, as the T-Rex is pretty much blind in this situation. But what about when they’re moving around the car and climbing over the concrete barricade? Seems like the Rex would rather nudge the car a few times instead of eating the delicious people, making us question his work ethic and commitment. 2.5 for 5.
• 1/2 KILL — The car itself. Yeah, it’s not a person, so it can’t really die, but the tyrannosaurus sure did a number on that poor Land Rover. There’s no way it can be revived — it’s on a one-way ticket to the scrapyard. That’s good enough for a half-point in our eyes. 3 for 6.
• MISS — The car chase versus Muldoon, Sattler, and Malcolm. Again, instead of headbutting the car, why don’t you try attacking the delicious people inside the Jeep? Did we mention that there was no roof on the vehicle, providing super easy access to the tasty morsels inside? Come on, the brass ring was hanging there, man — reach out and take it! 3 for 7.
• KILL — Gallimimus. Look at all that blood. 4 for 8.
• 2x KILL — The velociraptors in the Visitors Center. The only question is, how the fuck did the T-Rex get in the building without anybody noticing? Not enough glasses of water within viewing distance? 6 for 10.

FINAL TALLY: 6 for 10 (0.600 killing average).
Not too shabby. Baseball players would kill for an average this high. Unfortunately, there will forever be an asterisk beside the Rex’s name in the record books, as it must be stated that he only killed a lawyer, a car, a goat, and a few other dinosaurs. As far as murderous rampages go, it’s not the greatest of all time.

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Dilophosaurus

A beautiful -- but deadly -- addition to Jurassic Park.

The dark horse of the predatory dinosaurs, the dilophosaurus is a reclusive creature that few people actually see live in person. As a result, it doesn’t get a lot of respect — much like those professional sports teams based on the west coast.

Those who are knowledgeable about the dilophosaurus know that it has a plethora of weapons at its disposable — including the ability to split blinding venom at its prey. Will this technique help it reach the top of the mountain?

• KILL — Nedry. The fat bastard was asking for it, really. The description of Nedry’s death is a lot cooler in the book, by the way. 1 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 1 for 1 (1.000 killing average).
This score is pretty much unbeatable — the spitter is 100% pure killing machine. Unfortunately, the low sample size disqualifies the dilophosaurus from taking claim to the title in much the same way that an NHL goaltender must play at least 25 games to be eligible for the Jennings Trophy, regardless of whether he has the best goals against average in the few games he’s played.

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Triceratops

Get up, you bum.

Yeah, it’s a veggiesaurus, which means it’s clearly not a perennial favourite in this type of competition. However, that doesn’t mean the triceratops won’t get its fair share of opportunities to put some suckas to sleep.

With a solid defensive structure, a surprisingly sharp beak, and ferocious triple pronged assault capabilities, the triceratops is one tough dinosaur and not to be taken lightly.

• MISS — Sattler. Come on, her hand was right there! In your mouth! Chomp down and break a finger or something! Vomit on her if you have to, but just don’t lie there like a chump! And don’t give me this “b-b-but I was sick and tranquilized” bullshit, either. You’re a goddamn dinosaur. Do your fucking job. 0 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
Pathetic. You had one chance to make an impression and you blew it. Big time. Back to the minor leagues for you, buddy. Maybe next year you’ll actually put some more effort into your cardio so you’re not as wheezy and gassed out there on the big stage. People were laughing at you, man.

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Gallimimus

Galluh ... galluh ...

A surprise entrant into this year’s contest, the gallimimus is looking to make sure that everybody can remember its name from here on out.

Meaning “ostrich mimic”, the gallimimus will definitely not overpower any of its adversaries. Instead, it will rely on its blazing speed and remarkable agility to wear down the opposition and try to eke out a decision victory.

• MISS — Grant and the kids in the field. Okay, fine, so your attention was primarily focused on the T-Rex that was chasing you. That’s understandable. But you clearly saw Grant running in front of you, and you just honked at him as you ran by! It’s a stampede situation, for Christ’s sake! Kill or be killed! Run over that poor schmuck and save your own skin. 0 for 1.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 1 (0.000 killing average).
Really pathetic. At least the triceratops had an excuse for its poor showing. What’s yours? Pulled a hammy? The judges were not impressed by your performance in the slightest. Show improvement in the off-season and we’ll consider letting you back into the tournament next year.

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Brachiosaurus

A really big cow.

Last, but certainly not least [*Judges Note: Yeah, right … we’ll see about that.*], the Brachiosaurus is yet another surprise entrant into the competition due to its tremendously docile nature.

Don’t let that retarded look on its face fool you, though. The brachiosaurus is the largest competitor in the field, tipping the scales at 37 tonnes and able to raise its head a remarkable 13 metres above the ground. It’s definitely one dinosaur you can’t push around.

• MISS — Grant, Sattler, and Hammond when they first arrive at Jurassic Park. You’re just steps away from the puny humans. You rear up on your hind legs. And then you don’t squash them like the bugs they are? What’s wrong with this picture? You could have at least whipped your tail around and broke a few spines. Come on. 0 for 1.
• MISS — Grant in the tree. Grant’s holding a branch of leaves, which is conveniently placed in your mouth. Just give it a tug and watch him plummet to his death. It’s really not that difficult, you know. 0 for 2.

FINAL TALLY: 0 for 2 (0.000 killing average).
Super pathetic. You’re a failure and disgrace to your kind. Scientists brought you back to life 65 millions years after your extinction, and you repay the paying public with this level of epic ineptitude? For fuck’s sake, man, you’re amateur. We’re done, professionally.

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The results are in! The winner, and still heavyweight champion of Jurassic Park …

Enjoy the celebration. We spared no expense.

The Tyrannosaurus!

Now, I’m sure the velociraptor die-hards will be upset with this decision, given the quality of raptor kills compared to the quality of T-Rex kills. But as it is in baseball, it doesn’t matter if you hit them all out of the stadium while the other guy in the home run race barely managed to clear the outfield wall — they both count equally as a single home run. And in this case, the T-Rex has more home runs.

Congratulations, tyrannosaurus! May your awesome reign as champion be remembered gloriously throughout the annals of history!